This Blog Has Encountered A Problem And Will Be Terminated!

So Bill Gates flew over to London to launch Vista, then he flew onto continental Europe to do another launch.

Rumour has it he then went on to find Robert Langdon and the Codex, before killing Sir Ian McKellen, so we heard.



Truthiness says: Bill Gates is the Illuminati! So our vicar told us.

Windows Vista Asks For A Window Seat ; Gets Stuck In The Middle Seat With No Armrests

With todays launch of Microsoft's new operating system, Windows Vista, the the World has the difficult choice of two heavily marketed computer systems to choose from.

Either Apple's OS

or Microsoft's Windows Vista.

Here The Truthiness Blog gives you a product comparison.

-Apple Mac have a cool, half-eaten apple logo.

-Microsoft Vista has a cool retro design logo with the windows logo, INSIDE a circle, GENIUS!

-Microsoft know how to use the caps lock.

-Apple, especially those in the ipod department have yet to make this discovery.

And the deal-breaker is this explosive disclosure....

-Microsoft have a recycle bin.

-But Apple has a trash can!

Who's more environmentally aware now?

Truthiness Says ; We blow your mind!

DVD Extras! 120 Minutes Of State Of The Union Highlights That Weren't In The Original Film!

Here, exclusively, unedited are the unedited highlights that you may have missed from the State Of The Union address.



Someone should have told the guy controlling Dick Cheney's eyelids to pull the string every once in a while.

Complicated Business Mergers Explained Funnily!

With the vast telecoms companies that seem to dominate the market on mobile phones, home phones and broadband services, Stephen Colbert of The Colbert Report details how increased competition leads to... less competition.

Take a look



The one reassuring thing is, think of all the money they've wasted on company names, logos and new headed notepaper.

What Were You Doing During The State Of The Union Daddy?

After President Bush's State Of The Union last night, it's clear that most people didn't watch the speech, all over the country and the World people greeted his speech in varying ways, but one thing linked them; no-one could sit still.

In Iraq , people did watch, afterwards they said it was the best piece of fiction since the premiere episode of NBC's smash-hit 'Heroes'.

In the UK, due to the time difference, those who did watch were mostly drunk or insomniacs. Once the country woke up, they mostly just tut-tutted and said ''those batty Americans''.

On Capitol Hill, Senator McCain fell asleep, Speaker Pelosi refused to applaud and stand during Iraq troop increase announcements and Vice-President Dick Cheney decided to get out his mobile phone and do a little texting.

If you don't believe us, watch him below.

Johnny Depp Seen Combing Beach; Police Get Out The Cannons

Police have again tonight voiced their anger with beachcombers who have been picking up cargo washed up on beaches along Branscombe Beach after the grounding of the MSC Napoli.

After two days of looting police have constantly been voicing outrage at people for not abiding to the law. They don't however seem to have stopped them, although the police are those with the power to arrest people. Are the police working to rule or something?

Despite all the derision being thrown at locals and those who have travelled from further afield to collect items that have washed overboard from the cargo ship, the police have missed off voicing concern with a big player in the situation.

The owner of the ship!

Perhaps they could be more involved and angry at the owner of the MSC Napoli which had to be run aground to prevent in breaking up in bad weather when a crack appeared in the vessel's side during the storms which lashed the south coast last week.

If the ship was correctly maintained, this wouldn't be happening and if the police conducted themselves in a slightly more professional manner than shouting at people who aren't technically doing anything illegal, then this whole furore wouldn't make them look quite as desperate.

But, looking at the pictures, it does look fun, Whiskey Galore for all!

Pres Bush's Got A List ; He's Checking It Twice

In two stories we're covering today, we can see both of them colliding head on and leaving several newspaper readers dead.

Tonight President Bush's State Of The Union address will be mostly just a list of the candidates who are not running for the 2008 Presidential election.

The Truthiness Blog has been leaked some details of the speech, here's an extract of the list of those not running,

- Jennifer Aniston

- Judi Dench

- Eddie Murphy

- Lou Dobbs (confirmed)

- Martin Sheen (he's busy studying)

- Paris Hilton (for the sake of our union)

- George W Bush

- Barney Bush

- Gerald Ford

- C Montgomery Burns

This list is subject to change, as a result, campaigners for Barney Bush '08 have started making placards.

They claim he can't do any worse than his owner.

No Shock! No Horror! As Poirot Would Say 'Just As I Suspected'

In what could be the most unsurprising news story of the new millennium, Hillary Clinton announced today that she is to run in the 2008 US Presidential Election.

On her website she released a videotape in which she said 'I'm in it to win.'

Rumours that the end of an earlier version of the message featured the theme tune to Wheel Of Fortune and Mrs Clinton walking down to spin the wheel have been strongly denied.

If China's Mum Finds Out About This, She'll Go Ballistic

There's shock, outrage and general hair-pulling all over the globe this weekend as China shot down a satellite with a missile.

Hold on, the US though is planning a system of satellites which can shoot down missiles.

Coincidence?

There's something rather pot calling the kettle black here.

Don't you think?

Invasion Led By English Golden Globes Winners ; Bush Puts UK on Axis Of Evil List

Following the sweep by the Brits at the Golden Globes last night, the US President has said the United Kingdom is now on the US's watchlist of 'rogue states' and is also climbing the charts of Bush's personal 'Axis Of Evil' chart.

The invasion of the US homeland is thought to be masterminded by a sleeper cell based in Los Angeles, headed by Dame Helen Mirren, with fellow conspirators including House actor Hugh Laurie and the maker of the Borat movie, Sasha Baron Cohen.

Several US army special forces teams are currently working on the threat, they will be joined next Monday at 9 ( 8pm Central) by the CTU team led by Kiefer Sutherland's Jack Bauer following the new season of the hit homegrown drama series.

Rumours that the War On Brits will take longer than 24 hours have been confirmed by a reluctant President Bush and President of the Fox Network.

Apple's iphone Unveiled With More Applications Than You Can Shake A Multitasking Stick At

Steve Jobs almost had a baby, the assembled press nearly started fainting and several members of the audience who arrived in wheelchairs left with fully functioning legs and feet.

That's right, it was the official launch of Apple's new iphone and here's the only technology report on the new phone you will need...

- Its a phone, an ipod, a personal organiser, it's a three speed coffee maker and it can sniff out carbon monoxide when you leave it on your bedside table overnight.

- It has memory capacity for 40,000 songs, 20,200 contacts, 5,000 photos or one full 42 minute episode of Boston Legal.

- It will automatically check for new songs by the same artists you already have on it and check for current contacts new phone numbers, it will even tell you when a new version of iphone will be release. But it will only give you three minutes notice before the battery runs out and you lose all information.

and the most surprising feature of all, its only going to cost $40,595.

The cheapest new phone of the season I'm sure you'll agree.

The Truthiness office has 20 on order already.

Bush Numeracy Skills Tested In Troop Announcement

Well everyone hoped against vein hope that the announcement made by President George W Bush would not contain the promise to increase by 21,500 the number of troops on the ground.

He decided to break with tradition and disappoint us with the 21,500 forces personel he's going to move into the country in a last ditch effort to improve or should that be to make things 'less bad', since 'better' is something on another planet's horizon and does not enter Iraq's or Iraqi's vocabulary.

Far though from accusing the President of not being Presidential, despite being in the job since January 2001, he responded to critics of his plan with ' if you don't like my Iraq plan, lets hear yours'.

Like a plumber who insists on replacing a seemingly fine piece of pipe with a bigger piece, then finds it doesn't quite fit and water floods out and ruins your kitchen, then you are told to fix it is to allow him to rip our yet more pipe and install a larger piece still. Then you question what the so-called expert is telling you and he rebuffs you with ' well do you have a better idea?'

You should know what you are doing Sir, you're the leader! You're the one half of the country elected to make the decisions the rest of us hope we never have to even consider.

If you are not smart enough to make those decisions, surround yourself with those who may know more than you.

If you do however consider yourself smart enough to make these smart choices, then take a balancing approach and surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you.

Not through your own choice, the people who voted in the mid-terms choose to make that decision for you and the people they elected, that'd be the Democrats, are the ones who disagree with you.

They have said what you've decided to add to the pot in Iraq is yet more oil which will fuel extra violence and disorder.

If you want this country to govern itself you have to have faith in it's leader, its government and it's neighbours who will know more about the country's needs then you or anyone else who's an outsider, be it, British, American or anyone that stomps in and says, ' this is the way its got to be.''

Have the decency to listen to other people's opinions Sir, be they in Iraq, or in the House Of Representatives.

Because at the least, it's good manners to and at the most, they might actually have a better answer to this mess than you think you do.

Iraq's Civil War On The Streets Spreads To The Green Zone And The US Presidency

Rather than just biting it's tongue after the Saddam execution and it's mobile phone video which popped up on YouTube and afterward everywhere else online, the US didn't keep it's mouth shut and did the worst thing it could.

It said '' we would have done it differently.''

They could not just have said '' we back the Iraqi authority's moves and support them with whatever they need,'' no, because that would have been a coded message meaning that they had faith in them to govern and go about their duties effectively.

Prime Minister Nouri Maliki said in an interview with a US newspaper that he didn't want the job, does not wish to seek a second term and, perhaps the comment which speaks volumes more than any other, that he can't wait for his current term and job to be over.

Mr Maliki's job was never going to be easy, or anything near or on the same horizon as easy or do-able. When last year he was reported to have asked to have US troops removed from a specific area and was apparently turned-down by the Pentagon, the US washed their hands of the affair by saying they 'hadn't even heard of such a request, but would listen if a request was made.'

Now, first days into 2007, yet another 365 days for this war, the one thing that the US allowed Iraq to do, the execution of Saddam Hussein, which has been carried out swiftly, still drew comments from the US. Like an overbearing parent allowing their child to carry out some task on their own, but looking on shaking it's head and 'tut tutting', then saying after the event, 'that's not how I would have done it but, never mind'.

What does it expect? The Iraqi authority to stand in the huge shadow of the US and listen intently and say 'thank you so much for your help and insight'?

And now Bush is expected, against the advice of the Iraq Study Group and nearly everyone else, to increase dramatically the number of troops in the country. It seems this country needs someone to intervene, like an alcoholic that requires it's decisions to be watched carefully by peers who look on screaming, pleading for the person who has been consumed by this obession, this addiction, to realise what damage is being done.

The Civil war is spreading, like a cancer, over the walls of the green zone, into the US compound. It's also creeping into the White House and swallows Capitol Hill and The Pentagon like some monster that seems to have become expected by citizens, voters and more importantly, Iraqi citizens and is also the norm for soon to be dead US soldiers.

There's 3000 of them lying in the past, how many more will litter the road ahead in the next year of this mess, this total unraveling of what was meant to be a quick three month, in and out game?

Please prove us wrong.

Click here for someone who can say the above better than me, Keith Olbermann

Bush Returns Christmas Present Book; Says He Couldn't Get Into It

The Pennsylvania Avenue branch of Borders is reeling tonight from a returned book purchased as a presidential Christmas present, in good faith prior to the festive season.

At 1.33pm Eastern Standard Time, (10.33am Pacific, for those of you watching this from the West Coast) and 9.33pm Baghdad local, a secret service agent wearing sun glasses, a black suit and a black spray painted single ipod ear-bud entered the local central Washington branch of Borders and slid a carrier bag across the returns counter.

The bag contained a copy of the Iraq Study Group Report which had been bought by Jon Stewart and Bill Maher as a joint Christmas present from Comedy Central and HBO for President Bush.

A woman in the queue returning a faulty copy of 'The Devil Wears Prada' overheard the conversation. '' The agent didn't have the receipt and the counter clerk only accepted the return when he was told they were tapping his phone. He said Bush didn't like the book as he couldn't really get into it and the situations weren't believeable. He was given a gift card for the value, then glided out of the store.'' Quote from Valerie Alexander, 48, a professional queue-er from Baltimore.

Rumours that First Lady Laura Bush was spotted this evening in the same store buying the Special Edition DVD of Air Force One remain unconfirmed tonight.

99% of Taxi Drivers Speak Only Spanish In Most Of Our Cities SHOCK! (Study is of Madrid and Seville Only)

Misleading headlines like the example above have been used by the media for over a century to pull viewers, listeners and readers (and for those of you reading this in the twenty-first century, podcasters) in.

That situation changes at midnight tonight with the 'Banner Clangers' Guideline 2007 that, of course, us at the Truthiness HQ have elected to sign up to. The BCG 2007 ruling prevents participating media organisations from publishing or using banner headlines which are misleading or unnecessarily frightening.

Even though the attention grabbing headline policy has been a regular situation for as long as big media's existed the policy went into questionable territory when a rogue, cryptically phrased headline made several thousand readers of the New York Standard Newspaper believe that the US daytime talkshow host, Regis Philbin was to become the New Secretary Of Defence on Tuesday of last week.

As part of our ongoing commitment to quality reporting, The Truthiness Blog will be abiding by this guideline. Since it's a guideline and not a hard and fast rule, we'll do our best, but we can't guarantee anything.

If that's confusing, just think Pirates Of The Carribean and ' more guidelines than actual rules' said by Geoffrey Rush's Captain Barbossa character.

Saddam On The Loose; Hiding With The Help Of William Shatner

With claim and counter-claim being heard all over the media between the US and Iraqi authorities on the whereabouts of Saddam Hussein tonight, an un-named source has informed the Truthiness's Baghdad Bureau that the former leader is on the run this evening.

Early this morning it was reported that Saddam's legal team had been told to collect his personnal effects as his execution would be happening soon. There was then a back-and-forth discussion between the US authority and Iraq's governing council over who had him in custody. In the confusion, Saddam escaped, wearing a Saddam novelty mask and is believed tonight to be holed up under the protection of his new legal team, Crane, Poole And Schmidt's Baghdad office, based in the green zone.

US legal experts have suggested that Saddam's case is strongly enhanced through the use of William Shatner playing Danny Crane. Candice Burgen commented '' its difficult to disagree with anything Danny Crane says because, well, he's Danny Crane.''

Nielson reported that Boston Legal's ratings had gone ''through the roof quicker than a non-existent Iraqi WMD''.

2978 Dead Soldiers, 2973 Dead New Yorkers ; But Condi Thinks Its 'Worth It'

As the sun set on Baghdad tonight and any Westerner serious about safety was holed up in the secure 'green zone' the number of US troops killed in that country's war has reached 2978, making it five more than the 2973 killed in the 9/11 attacks.

Five years since 9/11 and the US still eyes any country that simply disagrees on its policy with strong suspicion and trepidation, usually suggesting that it's not serious about peace and adding another name to it's bulls-eye board.

Four years since the invasion of Iraq and car bombings continue, people are blown up if they dare to want to work for their own police force, US and allied forces are regarded with suspicion and with having an alterior motive. This wary regard was demonstrated by Christmas Day's storming and blowing up of a police station and the freeing of around a hundred members of the public taken hostage. The operation was a success, but why let a hundred people go missing before something is done?

Of course, Saddam Hussein will certainly be executed before the end of January after today's ruling, as a waiting game that has lasted several year will now run into 2007.

After January 2007, will things change, will the violence fall away, will another policy take centre stage?

Has the wait for President Bush's new Iraq direction in policy over the holidays been worth it?

Will it take another 2978 dead troops? Or 2973 dead citizens to convince Mr Bush that this is not the way?

The heavy handed option in this self-branded 'War On Terror', to invade and bomb to hell anyone who doesn't jump to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with you has been a clear failure.

Will the possibility of the very old fashioned 'diplomacy' option make a resurgence on the international policy stage in the new year?

Roll on 2007, its clear there are 2978 reasons to try something, anything else Mr Bush, you owe them that.

News Readers Have To Ring Their Parents To Find Out Who James Brown Is

Following the death of Soul singer James Brown yesterday, coverage of his influence on music and popular culture has been dominated by one fact only.

That fact is that almost all the news anchors who fill in over the holidays for the real newsmen and woman are too young to have any idea who James Brown actually is. Frantic phone calls were made yesterday to parents and even aunts and uncles to get the facts on who James Brown was, what he did, how long he did it for and what was up with that funky hair of his.

The story came after a survey of fill-in newscasters for the holiday period found that 78.7% of them were under the age of 29. Reasons for the higher percentage of young readers include gullibility to work over the festive period and the smell of money.

The majority of established news anchors over the age of 30 who opt not to work cite their family and the lure of ski-ing in Aspen.

Wintry Winter Weather Caused By Self-Serving Guy Who Wanted To Be Seen Wearing Skis On Local News

The severe winter weather experienced last week in the Denver area which caused major disruption to holiday travellers has been explained tonight.

Snow and drifting blizzards were caused by Paul McCall of Bel Air Road, Denver. Mr McCall, who has done several evening classes in witchcraft and now has a BA in Incantations, conducted a ceremony early Tuesday morning to bring about the atmospheric impossibility.

'' I knew I had the power to turn things into different colours, my wife was very pleased when I turned her hair blonde for the office Christmas party. I was messing about, trying to see if I could get a layer of snow on our lawn, to make it feel really Christmasey when suddenly, it starts falling all over town and I couldn't stop it. Maybe I used the wrong colour candle, but it just kept going, '' said McCall, 50, an IT consultant and father of four.

Rumours by members of the Bel Air Community Coven and Neighbourhood Watch Association Group that McCall had actually known exactly what he was doing because he got up early to ski passed the local channel 1 news team and get featured on the 6.30 newscast as the 'nutty local who skied into work despite the bad weather'', have been denied.

Further rumours that the weather spell was broken by Coven members who burnt McCall's skis in a barbeque on the request of McCall's wife have also been strongly denied.

Network Renews War Show For Another Season

To the delight of producers in the White House this morning, the much predicted renewal of the series ' America's War : In Iraq ' was announced in the early hours.

It had initially been feared that due to falling ratings the series which has run since 2003, mostly on the Fox network but syndicated to almost every broadcaster once the invasion storyline was introduced, would be cancelled or put on hiatus. But to the delight to major investors in the series, mainly Halliburton, it's future has been secured until this time next year.

Rumours that the series could do a CSI style spin-off and have offshoots as midseason replacements in April have yet to be confirmed.

Industry insiders have mooted possible titles as 'America's War : In Iran', or possibly 'America's War : In North Korea'.

Various other blogs have circled another possible spin-off as 'America's War : In France.'

David Caruso is not thought to be featuring in any of the new shows.