Friday, December 29, 2006

Saddam On The Loose; Hiding With The Help Of William Shatner

With claim and counter-claim being heard all over the media between the US and Iraqi authorities on the whereabouts of Saddam Hussein tonight, an un-named source has informed the Truthiness's Baghdad Bureau that the former leader is on the run this evening.

Early this morning it was reported that Saddam's legal team had been told to collect his personnal effects as his execution would be happening soon. There was then a back-and-forth discussion between the US authority and Iraq's governing council over who had him in custody. In the confusion, Saddam escaped, wearing a Saddam novelty mask and is believed tonight to be holed up under the protection of his new legal team, Crane, Poole And Schmidt's Baghdad office, based in the green zone.

US legal experts have suggested that Saddam's case is strongly enhanced through the use of William Shatner playing Danny Crane. Candice Burgen commented '' its difficult to disagree with anything Danny Crane says because, well, he's Danny Crane.''

Nielson reported that Boston Legal's ratings had gone ''through the roof quicker than a non-existent Iraqi WMD''.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

2978 Dead Soldiers, 2973 Dead New Yorkers ; But Condi Thinks Its 'Worth It'

As the sun set on Baghdad tonight and any Westerner serious about safety was holed up in the secure 'green zone' the number of US troops killed in that country's war has reached 2978, making it five more than the 2973 killed in the 9/11 attacks.

Five years since 9/11 and the US still eyes any country that simply disagrees on its policy with strong suspicion and trepidation, usually suggesting that it's not serious about peace and adding another name to it's bulls-eye board.

Four years since the invasion of Iraq and car bombings continue, people are blown up if they dare to want to work for their own police force, US and allied forces are regarded with suspicion and with having an alterior motive. This wary regard was demonstrated by Christmas Day's storming and blowing up of a police station and the freeing of around a hundred members of the public taken hostage. The operation was a success, but why let a hundred people go missing before something is done?

Of course, Saddam Hussein will certainly be executed before the end of January after today's ruling, as a waiting game that has lasted several year will now run into 2007.

After January 2007, will things change, will the violence fall away, will another policy take centre stage?

Has the wait for President Bush's new Iraq direction in policy over the holidays been worth it?

Will it take another 2978 dead troops? Or 2973 dead citizens to convince Mr Bush that this is not the way?

The heavy handed option in this self-branded 'War On Terror', to invade and bomb to hell anyone who doesn't jump to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with you has been a clear failure.

Will the possibility of the very old fashioned 'diplomacy' option make a resurgence on the international policy stage in the new year?

Roll on 2007, its clear there are 2978 reasons to try something, anything else Mr Bush, you owe them that.

News Readers Have To Ring Their Parents To Find Out Who James Brown Is

Following the death of Soul singer James Brown yesterday, coverage of his influence on music and popular culture has been dominated by one fact only.

That fact is that almost all the news anchors who fill in over the holidays for the real newsmen and woman are too young to have any idea who James Brown actually is. Frantic phone calls were made yesterday to parents and even aunts and uncles to get the facts on who James Brown was, what he did, how long he did it for and what was up with that funky hair of his.

The story came after a survey of fill-in newscasters for the holiday period found that 78.7% of them were under the age of 29. Reasons for the higher percentage of young readers include gullibility to work over the festive period and the smell of money.

The majority of established news anchors over the age of 30 who opt not to work cite their family and the lure of ski-ing in Aspen.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Wintry Winter Weather Caused By Self-Serving Guy Who Wanted To Be Seen Wearing Skis On Local News

The severe winter weather experienced last week in the Denver area which caused major disruption to holiday travellers has been explained tonight.

Snow and drifting blizzards were caused by Paul McCall of Bel Air Road, Denver. Mr McCall, who has done several evening classes in witchcraft and now has a BA in Incantations, conducted a ceremony early Tuesday morning to bring about the atmospheric impossibility.

'' I knew I had the power to turn things into different colours, my wife was very pleased when I turned her hair blonde for the office Christmas party. I was messing about, trying to see if I could get a layer of snow on our lawn, to make it feel really Christmasey when suddenly, it starts falling all over town and I couldn't stop it. Maybe I used the wrong colour candle, but it just kept going, '' said McCall, 50, an IT consultant and father of four.

Rumours by members of the Bel Air Community Coven and Neighbourhood Watch Association Group that McCall had actually known exactly what he was doing because he got up early to ski passed the local channel 1 news team and get featured on the 6.30 newscast as the 'nutty local who skied into work despite the bad weather'', have been denied.

Further rumours that the weather spell was broken by Coven members who burnt McCall's skis in a barbeque on the request of McCall's wife have also been strongly denied.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Network Renews War Show For Another Season

To the delight of producers in the White House this morning, the much predicted renewal of the series ' America's War : In Iraq ' was announced in the early hours.

It had initially been feared that due to falling ratings the series which has run since 2003, mostly on the Fox network but syndicated to almost every broadcaster once the invasion storyline was introduced, would be cancelled or put on hiatus. But to the delight to major investors in the series, mainly Halliburton, it's future has been secured until this time next year.

Rumours that the series could do a CSI style spin-off and have offshoots as midseason replacements in April have yet to be confirmed.

Industry insiders have mooted possible titles as 'America's War : In Iran', or possibly 'America's War : In North Korea'.

Various other blogs have circled another possible spin-off as 'America's War : In France.'

David Caruso is not thought to be featuring in any of the new shows.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Ladies And Gentlemen, does anyone know how to fly a teapot?

The rulebook on inflight aircraft safety was at risk of being torn up and used to strain tea with this weekend after the curious incident on an RAF flight earlier last week.

A Nimrod aircraft flying from Cornwall to Kinloss on Monday had to make an inflight temporary repair, blocking a hatch with a teapot.

'' We took the precaution of draining the tea inside the pot before using it to prevent the plane from falling out of the sky, didn't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater'', said RAF Captain Hillary Duff in a press conference.

The Captain did add that things weren't quite as cool as many people were saying, far from it. When the pot was cleared of it's tea, the crew had to drink it with no milk and as speedily as possible, with the risk of burnt mouths all round a strong possibility.

  • See the new inflight emergency instructions here

  • Rumours that a coffee pot could have also been used as easily as the teapot have been dismissed by RAF personnel as unpatriotic this evening.

    Saturday, December 16, 2006

    Morgan Freeman Steps Down As UN Chief ; Plans To Spend More Time Driving Miss Daisy

    In what has been an open secret in the World's of international filmmaking and diplomacy, the head of the UN is finishing his second five year run in the job.

    The UN Secretary General Kofi Annan, who has held the post for ten years is looking forward to spending more time acting and getting involved in Hollywood fundraisers. For the past decade, the part of Kofi Annan has been played flawlessly by Morgan Freeman who was originally chosen for the role due to his excellent acting technique combined with his uncanny physical similarity to Mr Annan.

    After a colourful ten years in the post, Mr Freeman has tangled with George W Bush several times, most famously over the non-existent Weapons Of Mass Destruction and the invasion of Iraq in 2003.

    Mr Annan said he was so pleased that Freeman had been selected to play him, initially Tom Cruise was due to take the part, but once again the obvious flaw of his height and wooden-ness counted against him.

    Rumours that former UN Weapons Inspector Hans Blix has been played for the past few months by John Aylward, that doctor who pops up every now and then on ER have been denied by show producers.

  • See Morgan Freeman's farewell to the UN here

  • And John Aylward, see what happens to those who stand up to the US's fight against those WMDs that just aren't there
  • Friday, December 15, 2006

    Air Safety Loophole Big Enough To Fly A Fat, Rusk-Stuffed Baby Through

    Just as the Christmas travel season gets underway and travellers were reassured with carry-on restrictions being eased several weeks ago, The Truthiness's London Office can reveal new regulations.

    From midnight Sunday, all carry on babies will need to be x-rayed to ensure the safety of the aircraft. There is thought to be an additional security charge planned to be added to all airline tickets departing the UK from January to cover the charge for cleaning the x-ray scanner interiors of baby sick, baby poo and rusk crumbs.

    Passengers are being advised to cut down on security queues by arriving at the airport with babies in a grey plastic tray or to check-in online and have those under 5 years old air-freighted to their destination and cut out the middleman all together.

    The Royal Association Of Small People, RASP, is expected to release a statement on Saturday. Its rumoured that their Managing Director, on hearing the news, collapsed to the floor, kicked and punched the ground with his hands and feet and screamed and screamed until he went red faced.

    Tuesday, December 12, 2006

    Government Doesn't Know How Many It Employs ; Labour Unions Still Says It's Not Enough

    In a move to delight all writers of fake news and satire, the UK Home Office has revealed that due to poor book-keeping it's not totally sure how many staff it employs.

    This similar attention to detail is also be sighted as the reason for the department having run up an overdraft of 246 million pounds sterling. Rumours that the money is being spent building a fence around the entire coastline of the UK to keep illegal foreign chappies out has been strenuously denied.

    In other words, as the Truthiness London Bureau has found out, workers unions have advised their members would are Home Office based to not turn up to work tomorrow to see just how many people this unknown figure might be.

    Rumours that the number of employees could be as high as 11.75 billion has been discounted by union leaders who state the system couldn't function without at least 12 billion employees.

    The Home Office press officer may or may not exist and therefore no-one was able to or leagally contracted to comment.

  • Guess the weight of the Home Office Employees here
  • The News Sniffs Out The Truthiness ; Smells Like Bad Cheese

    We made the news!

    Well, sort of.

  • Click here for the complete and utter truth
  • Monday, December 11, 2006

    Even God Says It's Not Going As We Thought In Iraq

    The number of those supporting the war in Iraq continues to dwindle day-by-day leaving President Bush more isolated and out of touch.

    This situation has been exasperated this evening by a press release by God's Public Relations team who have announced that he thinks a u-turn on policy is needed if things are not to decend into chaos and all out civil war.

    '' Despite the work of many people and a truthiness style policy lead by Bush, it's clear that things have to change if anything is to get better or, at the least, less worse, '' said God this evening at Newark Liberty Airport as he changed planes for a three week break in the Carribbean.

    Last week, a memo sent by Donald Rumsfeld in early November to the White House suggesting new options in Iraq was leaked and shows that even the wars most fierce supporter has acknowledged things need to be different.

    God was unavailable for further comment.

  • Read Don's change of mind here
  • Sunday, December 10, 2006

    Can 'The First War Of The 21st Century' Stay The Course?

    As previously reported in The Truthiness Blog, the style of the language of our governments tells you an awful lot than the words themselves ever could.

    So it was that in last week's
  • Bush and Blair speech
  • that the President used that telling phrase, that very telling phrase about being ' in this first war of the 21st century' when refering to the war in Iraq.

    You may recall that just after the midterm election, former Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld used the
  • same phrase in his speech
  • once the President had finally accepted his resignation and the calls for him to go .

    What exactly could be the reasoning behind the use of such a phrase? It couldn't be that the US government wants to hammer home that it would like the conflict/civil war that the coalition forces started in that country to be branded like a new version of a soft drink?

    Is the US eager to have been the first in the World to have the ' First War Of The 21st Century'?

    After WMDs

    After Freedom and Liberty

    After Credible Threat

    After Regime Change

    After Stay The Course

    After We Never Said Stay The Course

    we now have this?

    Does the subtle attempt to 'brand' as you would a product in a store, a war that has it seems to have no end the most important action to be trying at this point?

    Because if Mr President and Mr Prime Minister the 'First War Of The 21st Century' is truly that, then it could end up being a war which last for most of this century and it will hang like a millstone round your necks, unless you change course and change your attitude.

    Bank Of America 'Eyes Barclays Bank', May Even Ask It To Dinner

    In a move surely to anger the parents of Barclays Bank, Bank Of America is said to be 'Eyeing Barclays'.

    The comment was made by the playground gossip Merrill Lynch, BOA (as he is more commonly called among his peers) is believed to have been interested in Barclays for a while now but couldn't quite pluck up the courage to ask her out.

    Merrill added ' it's such a sweet thing, Barclays had been hoping something like this would happen, she's caught BOA staring at her across the lunch room before now. But everyone knows her parents are bound to be dead apposed to this.''

    It's further rumoured that the couple will go on their first date to the London Stock Exchange, 7am Monday, when it's thought BOA will buy some shares and possibly a new pair of shoes for Barclays.

    Speculation that it could lead to a merger or acquisition before Christmas has been strongly denied by the school nurse.

  • Read the school gossip latest here, now
  • Wednesday, December 06, 2006

    Parking Scandal Could Be The Biggest Thing Since The Yellow Lines Got Painted

    In a scandal to be bigger than anything since the switching on of the town Christmas lights, the English town of Tewkesbury has suspended it's own parking attendant.

    This move has led to parking chaos on the market town's narrow streets and residents have taken full advantage of the absence of an authority figure.

    It is unconfirmed whether the whole situation has been cleverly devised by the disputed employee in an effort to get huge amounts of overtime sorting out the traffic mess when he is eventually reinstated.

    '' This can't continue, the whole situation is a total nightmare'' , said one drama queen resident who had trouble retrieving her wheelie bin from the main road.

    Not its not a nightmare, it's a mild inconvenience; a nightmare would be you getting a parking ticket, on your wheelie bin.

  • See this mild bit of fun and confusion here
  • Tuesday, December 05, 2006

    Morally Outraged Moralisers Want Limo Seat Designers Heads On Sticks

    Following Britney Spears unplanned (or was it?) flash while doing her best to get out of a limo, family orientated moral outrage groups have added a new twist to the usual story of shock and 'what have we become' soundbites.

    Late this afternoon members of the Parents Against Naughty Teen Stars issued a statement calling on Congress to hold a debate on limo seat designers obligations to manufacture seats that did not allow those former teen stars to alight from a streched vehicle with their dignity.

    '' I find it astonishing the American People have put up with this for so long, we've got kids going to proms and parties all over the country, many getting driven there in limos and luxury hummers like this with seats that could take away their innocence '' , said Mandy McJumped-Up of Chicago, Illinois.

    Rumours that PANTS may make demands on Britney Spears personally have been strongly denied.

  • Read the full story, with all the facts out in the open and a good deal more, here
  • Friday, December 01, 2006

    Blair Speech Later ; But Why Wait For Him? We'll Tell You Now

    In an innovative move for The Truthiness, we will report on a speech to be made by Tony Blair later today. We know what he's going to say, we know how long it's going to take for him to say it and we know how many times he'll use the phrase 'freedom fries for all' ( 16 by our counter experts). So since we've got all the facts, we'll cover the speech now, before he makes it.

    This all means that later on, when he makes the speech, we will have time to cover the other important stories of the day such as at our London Desk, who's going to win 'I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!' and at our New York Desk, the fall out from 'Dancing With The Stars'. Plus it means we can clear out of the office early and get home for a CSI-Miami double-bill.

    A Downing Street spokesperson couldn't comment on rumours that the only people watching his speech later, when he actually makes it, will be his Mum, little Baby Leo and the cleaning man.

    Truthiness - Getting the facts wrong now, rather than later.

  • See Blair's speech here, before he makes it
  • Cost of the War in Iraq
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