Wednesday, January 31, 2007

This Blog Has Encountered A Problem And Will Be Terminated!

So Bill Gates flew over to London to launch Vista, then he flew onto continental Europe to do another launch.

Rumour has it he then went on to find Robert Langdon and the Codex, before killing Sir Ian McKellen, so we heard.

Truthiness says: Bill Gates is the Illuminati! So our vicar told us.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Windows Vista Asks For A Window Seat ; Gets Stuck In The Middle Seat With No Armrests

With todays launch of Microsoft's new operating system, Windows Vista, the the World has the difficult choice of two heavily marketed computer systems to choose from.

Either Apple's OS

or Microsoft's Windows Vista.

Here The Truthiness Blog gives you a product comparison.

-Apple Mac have a cool, half-eaten apple logo.

-Microsoft Vista has a cool retro design logo with the windows logo, INSIDE a circle, GENIUS!

-Microsoft know how to use the caps lock.

-Apple, especially those in the ipod department have yet to make this discovery.

And the deal-breaker is this explosive disclosure....

-Microsoft have a recycle bin.

-But Apple has a trash can!

Who's more environmentally aware now?

Truthiness Says ; We blow your mind!

Monday, January 29, 2007

DVD Extras! 120 Minutes Of State Of The Union Highlights That Weren't In The Original Film!

Here, exclusively, unedited are the unedited highlights that you may have missed from the State Of The Union address.

Someone should have told the guy controlling Dick Cheney's eyelids to pull the string every once in a while.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Complicated Business Mergers Explained Funnily!

With the vast telecoms companies that seem to dominate the market on mobile phones, home phones and broadband services, Stephen Colbert of The Colbert Report details how increased competition leads to... less competition.

Take a look

The one reassuring thing is, think of all the money they've wasted on company names, logos and new headed notepaper.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

What Were You Doing During The State Of The Union Daddy?

After President Bush's State Of The Union last night, it's clear that most people didn't watch the speech, all over the country and the World people greeted his speech in varying ways, but one thing linked them; no-one could sit still.

In Iraq , people did watch, afterwards they said it was the best piece of fiction since the premiere episode of NBC's smash-hit 'Heroes'.

In the UK, due to the time difference, those who did watch were mostly drunk or insomniacs. Once the country woke up, they mostly just tut-tutted and said ''those batty Americans''.

On Capitol Hill, Senator McCain fell asleep, Speaker Pelosi refused to applaud and stand during Iraq troop increase announcements and Vice-President Dick Cheney decided to get out his mobile phone and do a little texting.

If you don't believe us, watch him below.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Johnny Depp Seen Combing Beach; Police Get Out The Cannons

Police have again tonight voiced their anger with beachcombers who have been picking up cargo washed up on beaches along Branscombe Beach after the grounding of the MSC Napoli.

After two days of looting police have constantly been voicing outrage at people for not abiding to the law. They don't however seem to have stopped them, although the police are those with the power to arrest people. Are the police working to rule or something?

Despite all the derision being thrown at locals and those who have travelled from further afield to collect items that have washed overboard from the cargo ship, the police have missed off voicing concern with a big player in the situation.

The owner of the ship!

Perhaps they could be more involved and angry at the owner of the MSC Napoli which had to be run aground to prevent in breaking up in bad weather when a crack appeared in the vessel's side during the storms which lashed the south coast last week.

If the ship was correctly maintained, this wouldn't be happening and if the police conducted themselves in a slightly more professional manner than shouting at people who aren't technically doing anything illegal, then this whole furore wouldn't make them look quite as desperate.

But, looking at the pictures, it does look fun, Whiskey Galore for all!

Pres Bush's Got A List ; He's Checking It Twice

In two stories we're covering today, we can see both of them colliding head on and leaving several newspaper readers dead.

Tonight President Bush's State Of The Union address will be mostly just a list of the candidates who are not running for the 2008 Presidential election.

The Truthiness Blog has been leaked some details of the speech, here's an extract of the list of those not running,

- Jennifer Aniston

- Judi Dench

- Eddie Murphy

- Lou Dobbs (confirmed)

- Martin Sheen (he's busy studying)

- Paris Hilton (for the sake of our union)

- George W Bush

- Barney Bush

- Gerald Ford

- C Montgomery Burns

This list is subject to change, as a result, campaigners for Barney Bush '08 have started making placards.

They claim he can't do any worse than his owner.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

No Shock! No Horror! As Poirot Would Say 'Just As I Suspected'

In what could be the most unsurprising news story of the new millennium, Hillary Clinton announced today that she is to run in the 2008 US Presidential Election.

On her website she released a videotape in which she said 'I'm in it to win.'

Rumours that the end of an earlier version of the message featured the theme tune to Wheel Of Fortune and Mrs Clinton walking down to spin the wheel have been strongly denied.

If China's Mum Finds Out About This, She'll Go Ballistic

There's shock, outrage and general hair-pulling all over the globe this weekend as China shot down a satellite with a missile.

Hold on, the US though is planning a system of satellites which can shoot down missiles.


There's something rather pot calling the kettle black here.

Don't you think?

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Invasion Led By English Golden Globes Winners ; Bush Puts UK on Axis Of Evil List

Following the sweep by the Brits at the Golden Globes last night, the US President has said the United Kingdom is now on the US's watchlist of 'rogue states' and is also climbing the charts of Bush's personal 'Axis Of Evil' chart.

The invasion of the US homeland is thought to be masterminded by a sleeper cell based in Los Angeles, headed by Dame Helen Mirren, with fellow conspirators including House actor Hugh Laurie and the maker of the Borat movie, Sasha Baron Cohen.

Several US army special forces teams are currently working on the threat, they will be joined next Monday at 9 ( 8pm Central) by the CTU team led by Kiefer Sutherland's Jack Bauer following the new season of the hit homegrown drama series.

Rumours that the War On Brits will take longer than 24 hours have been confirmed by a reluctant President Bush and President of the Fox Network.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Apple's iphone Unveiled With More Applications Than You Can Shake A Multitasking Stick At

Steve Jobs almost had a baby, the assembled press nearly started fainting and several members of the audience who arrived in wheelchairs left with fully functioning legs and feet.

That's right, it was the official launch of Apple's new iphone and here's the only technology report on the new phone you will need...

- Its a phone, an ipod, a personal organiser, it's a three speed coffee maker and it can sniff out carbon monoxide when you leave it on your bedside table overnight.

- It has memory capacity for 40,000 songs, 20,200 contacts, 5,000 photos or one full 42 minute episode of Boston Legal.

- It will automatically check for new songs by the same artists you already have on it and check for current contacts new phone numbers, it will even tell you when a new version of iphone will be release. But it will only give you three minutes notice before the battery runs out and you lose all information.

and the most surprising feature of all, its only going to cost $40,595.

The cheapest new phone of the season I'm sure you'll agree.

The Truthiness office has 20 on order already.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Bush Numeracy Skills Tested In Troop Announcement

Well everyone hoped against vein hope that the announcement made by President George W Bush would not contain the promise to increase by 21,500 the number of troops on the ground.

He decided to break with tradition and disappoint us with the 21,500 forces personel he's going to move into the country in a last ditch effort to improve or should that be to make things 'less bad', since 'better' is something on another planet's horizon and does not enter Iraq's or Iraqi's vocabulary.

Far though from accusing the President of not being Presidential, despite being in the job since January 2001, he responded to critics of his plan with ' if you don't like my Iraq plan, lets hear yours'.

Like a plumber who insists on replacing a seemingly fine piece of pipe with a bigger piece, then finds it doesn't quite fit and water floods out and ruins your kitchen, then you are told to fix it is to allow him to rip our yet more pipe and install a larger piece still. Then you question what the so-called expert is telling you and he rebuffs you with ' well do you have a better idea?'

You should know what you are doing Sir, you're the leader! You're the one half of the country elected to make the decisions the rest of us hope we never have to even consider.

If you are not smart enough to make those decisions, surround yourself with those who may know more than you.

If you do however consider yourself smart enough to make these smart choices, then take a balancing approach and surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you.

Not through your own choice, the people who voted in the mid-terms choose to make that decision for you and the people they elected, that'd be the Democrats, are the ones who disagree with you.

They have said what you've decided to add to the pot in Iraq is yet more oil which will fuel extra violence and disorder.

If you want this country to govern itself you have to have faith in it's leader, its government and it's neighbours who will know more about the country's needs then you or anyone else who's an outsider, be it, British, American or anyone that stomps in and says, ' this is the way its got to be.''

Have the decency to listen to other people's opinions Sir, be they in Iraq, or in the House Of Representatives.

Because at the least, it's good manners to and at the most, they might actually have a better answer to this mess than you think you do.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Iraq's Civil War On The Streets Spreads To The Green Zone And The US Presidency

Rather than just biting it's tongue after the Saddam execution and it's mobile phone video which popped up on YouTube and afterward everywhere else online, the US didn't keep it's mouth shut and did the worst thing it could.

It said '' we would have done it differently.''

They could not just have said '' we back the Iraqi authority's moves and support them with whatever they need,'' no, because that would have been a coded message meaning that they had faith in them to govern and go about their duties effectively.

Prime Minister Nouri Maliki said in an interview with a US newspaper that he didn't want the job, does not wish to seek a second term and, perhaps the comment which speaks volumes more than any other, that he can't wait for his current term and job to be over.

Mr Maliki's job was never going to be easy, or anything near or on the same horizon as easy or do-able. When last year he was reported to have asked to have US troops removed from a specific area and was apparently turned-down by the Pentagon, the US washed their hands of the affair by saying they 'hadn't even heard of such a request, but would listen if a request was made.'

Now, first days into 2007, yet another 365 days for this war, the one thing that the US allowed Iraq to do, the execution of Saddam Hussein, which has been carried out swiftly, still drew comments from the US. Like an overbearing parent allowing their child to carry out some task on their own, but looking on shaking it's head and 'tut tutting', then saying after the event, 'that's not how I would have done it but, never mind'.

What does it expect? The Iraqi authority to stand in the huge shadow of the US and listen intently and say 'thank you so much for your help and insight'?

And now Bush is expected, against the advice of the Iraq Study Group and nearly everyone else, to increase dramatically the number of troops in the country. It seems this country needs someone to intervene, like an alcoholic that requires it's decisions to be watched carefully by peers who look on screaming, pleading for the person who has been consumed by this obession, this addiction, to realise what damage is being done.

The Civil war is spreading, like a cancer, over the walls of the green zone, into the US compound. It's also creeping into the White House and swallows Capitol Hill and The Pentagon like some monster that seems to have become expected by citizens, voters and more importantly, Iraqi citizens and is also the norm for soon to be dead US soldiers.

There's 3000 of them lying in the past, how many more will litter the road ahead in the next year of this mess, this total unraveling of what was meant to be a quick three month, in and out game?

Please prove us wrong.

  • Click here for someone who can say the above better than me, Keith Olbermann
  • Tuesday, January 02, 2007

    Bush Returns Christmas Present Book; Says He Couldn't Get Into It

    The Pennsylvania Avenue branch of Borders is reeling tonight from a returned book purchased as a presidential Christmas present, in good faith prior to the festive season.

    At 1.33pm Eastern Standard Time, (10.33am Pacific, for those of you watching this from the West Coast) and 9.33pm Baghdad local, a secret service agent wearing sun glasses, a black suit and a black spray painted single ipod ear-bud entered the local central Washington branch of Borders and slid a carrier bag across the returns counter.

    The bag contained a copy of the Iraq Study Group Report which had been bought by Jon Stewart and Bill Maher as a joint Christmas present from Comedy Central and HBO for President Bush.

    A woman in the queue returning a faulty copy of 'The Devil Wears Prada' overheard the conversation. '' The agent didn't have the receipt and the counter clerk only accepted the return when he was told they were tapping his phone. He said Bush didn't like the book as he couldn't really get into it and the situations weren't believeable. He was given a gift card for the value, then glided out of the store.'' Quote from Valerie Alexander, 48, a professional queue-er from Baltimore.

    Rumours that First Lady Laura Bush was spotted this evening in the same store buying the Special Edition DVD of Air Force One remain unconfirmed tonight.

    Monday, January 01, 2007

    99% of Taxi Drivers Speak Only Spanish In Most Of Our Cities SHOCK! (Study is of Madrid and Seville Only)

    Misleading headlines like the example above have been used by the media for over a century to pull viewers, listeners and readers (and for those of you reading this in the twenty-first century, podcasters) in.

    That situation changes at midnight tonight with the 'Banner Clangers' Guideline 2007 that, of course, us at the Truthiness HQ have elected to sign up to. The BCG 2007 ruling prevents participating media organisations from publishing or using banner headlines which are misleading or unnecessarily frightening.

    Even though the attention grabbing headline policy has been a regular situation for as long as big media's existed the policy went into questionable territory when a rogue, cryptically phrased headline made several thousand readers of the New York Standard Newspaper believe that the US daytime talkshow host, Regis Philbin was to become the New Secretary Of Defence on Tuesday of last week.

    As part of our ongoing commitment to quality reporting, The Truthiness Blog will be abiding by this guideline. Since it's a guideline and not a hard and fast rule, we'll do our best, but we can't guarantee anything.

    If that's confusing, just think Pirates Of The Carribean and ' more guidelines than actual rules' said by Geoffrey Rush's Captain Barbossa character.
    Cost of the War in Iraq
    (JavaScript Error)
    To see more details, click here.

    Add to Technorati Favorites