Friday, December 29, 2006

Saddam On The Loose; Hiding With The Help Of William Shatner

With claim and counter-claim being heard all over the media between the US and Iraqi authorities on the whereabouts of Saddam Hussein tonight, an un-named source has informed the Truthiness's Baghdad Bureau that the former leader is on the run this evening.

Early this morning it was reported that Saddam's legal team had been told to collect his personnal effects as his execution would be happening soon. There was then a back-and-forth discussion between the US authority and Iraq's governing council over who had him in custody. In the confusion, Saddam escaped, wearing a Saddam novelty mask and is believed tonight to be holed up under the protection of his new legal team, Crane, Poole And Schmidt's Baghdad office, based in the green zone.

US legal experts have suggested that Saddam's case is strongly enhanced through the use of William Shatner playing Danny Crane. Candice Burgen commented '' its difficult to disagree with anything Danny Crane says because, well, he's Danny Crane.''

Nielson reported that Boston Legal's ratings had gone ''through the roof quicker than a non-existent Iraqi WMD''.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

2978 Dead Soldiers, 2973 Dead New Yorkers ; But Condi Thinks Its 'Worth It'

As the sun set on Baghdad tonight and any Westerner serious about safety was holed up in the secure 'green zone' the number of US troops killed in that country's war has reached 2978, making it five more than the 2973 killed in the 9/11 attacks.

Five years since 9/11 and the US still eyes any country that simply disagrees on its policy with strong suspicion and trepidation, usually suggesting that it's not serious about peace and adding another name to it's bulls-eye board.

Four years since the invasion of Iraq and car bombings continue, people are blown up if they dare to want to work for their own police force, US and allied forces are regarded with suspicion and with having an alterior motive. This wary regard was demonstrated by Christmas Day's storming and blowing up of a police station and the freeing of around a hundred members of the public taken hostage. The operation was a success, but why let a hundred people go missing before something is done?

Of course, Saddam Hussein will certainly be executed before the end of January after today's ruling, as a waiting game that has lasted several year will now run into 2007.

After January 2007, will things change, will the violence fall away, will another policy take centre stage?

Has the wait for President Bush's new Iraq direction in policy over the holidays been worth it?

Will it take another 2978 dead troops? Or 2973 dead citizens to convince Mr Bush that this is not the way?

The heavy handed option in this self-branded 'War On Terror', to invade and bomb to hell anyone who doesn't jump to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with you has been a clear failure.

Will the possibility of the very old fashioned 'diplomacy' option make a resurgence on the international policy stage in the new year?

Roll on 2007, its clear there are 2978 reasons to try something, anything else Mr Bush, you owe them that.

News Readers Have To Ring Their Parents To Find Out Who James Brown Is

Following the death of Soul singer James Brown yesterday, coverage of his influence on music and popular culture has been dominated by one fact only.

That fact is that almost all the news anchors who fill in over the holidays for the real newsmen and woman are too young to have any idea who James Brown actually is. Frantic phone calls were made yesterday to parents and even aunts and uncles to get the facts on who James Brown was, what he did, how long he did it for and what was up with that funky hair of his.

The story came after a survey of fill-in newscasters for the holiday period found that 78.7% of them were under the age of 29. Reasons for the higher percentage of young readers include gullibility to work over the festive period and the smell of money.

The majority of established news anchors over the age of 30 who opt not to work cite their family and the lure of ski-ing in Aspen.

Monday, December 25, 2006

Wintry Winter Weather Caused By Self-Serving Guy Who Wanted To Be Seen Wearing Skis On Local News

The severe winter weather experienced last week in the Denver area which caused major disruption to holiday travellers has been explained tonight.

Snow and drifting blizzards were caused by Paul McCall of Bel Air Road, Denver. Mr McCall, who has done several evening classes in witchcraft and now has a BA in Incantations, conducted a ceremony early Tuesday morning to bring about the atmospheric impossibility.

'' I knew I had the power to turn things into different colours, my wife was very pleased when I turned her hair blonde for the office Christmas party. I was messing about, trying to see if I could get a layer of snow on our lawn, to make it feel really Christmasey when suddenly, it starts falling all over town and I couldn't stop it. Maybe I used the wrong colour candle, but it just kept going, '' said McCall, 50, an IT consultant and father of four.

Rumours by members of the Bel Air Community Coven and Neighbourhood Watch Association Group that McCall had actually known exactly what he was doing because he got up early to ski passed the local channel 1 news team and get featured on the 6.30 newscast as the 'nutty local who skied into work despite the bad weather'', have been denied.

Further rumours that the weather spell was broken by Coven members who burnt McCall's skis in a barbeque on the request of McCall's wife have also been strongly denied.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Network Renews War Show For Another Season

To the delight of producers in the White House this morning, the much predicted renewal of the series ' America's War : In Iraq ' was announced in the early hours.

It had initially been feared that due to falling ratings the series which has run since 2003, mostly on the Fox network but syndicated to almost every broadcaster once the invasion storyline was introduced, would be cancelled or put on hiatus. But to the delight to major investors in the series, mainly Halliburton, it's future has been secured until this time next year.

Rumours that the series could do a CSI style spin-off and have offshoots as midseason replacements in April have yet to be confirmed.

Industry insiders have mooted possible titles as 'America's War : In Iran', or possibly 'America's War : In North Korea'.

Various other blogs have circled another possible spin-off as 'America's War : In France.'

David Caruso is not thought to be featuring in any of the new shows.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Ladies And Gentlemen, does anyone know how to fly a teapot?

The rulebook on inflight aircraft safety was at risk of being torn up and used to strain tea with this weekend after the curious incident on an RAF flight earlier last week.

A Nimrod aircraft flying from Cornwall to Kinloss on Monday had to make an inflight temporary repair, blocking a hatch with a teapot.

'' We took the precaution of draining the tea inside the pot before using it to prevent the plane from falling out of the sky, didn't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater'', said RAF Captain Hillary Duff in a press conference.

The Captain did add that things weren't quite as cool as many people were saying, far from it. When the pot was cleared of it's tea, the crew had to drink it with no milk and as speedily as possible, with the risk of burnt mouths all round a strong possibility.

  • See the new inflight emergency instructions here

  • Rumours that a coffee pot could have also been used as easily as the teapot have been dismissed by RAF personnel as unpatriotic this evening.

    Saturday, December 16, 2006

    Morgan Freeman Steps Down As UN Chief ; Plans To Spend More Time Driving Miss Daisy

    In what has been an open secret in the World's of international filmmaking and diplomacy, the head of the UN is finishing his second five year run in the job.

    The UN Secretary General Kofi Annan, who has held the post for ten years is looking forward to spending more time acting and getting involved in Hollywood fundraisers. For the past decade, the part of Kofi Annan has been played flawlessly by Morgan Freeman who was originally chosen for the role due to his excellent acting technique combined with his uncanny physical similarity to Mr Annan.

    After a colourful ten years in the post, Mr Freeman has tangled with George W Bush several times, most famously over the non-existent Weapons Of Mass Destruction and the invasion of Iraq in 2003.

    Mr Annan said he was so pleased that Freeman had been selected to play him, initially Tom Cruise was due to take the part, but once again the obvious flaw of his height and wooden-ness counted against him.

    Rumours that former UN Weapons Inspector Hans Blix has been played for the past few months by John Aylward, that doctor who pops up every now and then on ER have been denied by show producers.

  • See Morgan Freeman's farewell to the UN here

  • And John Aylward, see what happens to those who stand up to the US's fight against those WMDs that just aren't there
  • Friday, December 15, 2006

    Air Safety Loophole Big Enough To Fly A Fat, Rusk-Stuffed Baby Through

    Just as the Christmas travel season gets underway and travellers were reassured with carry-on restrictions being eased several weeks ago, The Truthiness's London Office can reveal new regulations.

    From midnight Sunday, all carry on babies will need to be x-rayed to ensure the safety of the aircraft. There is thought to be an additional security charge planned to be added to all airline tickets departing the UK from January to cover the charge for cleaning the x-ray scanner interiors of baby sick, baby poo and rusk crumbs.

    Passengers are being advised to cut down on security queues by arriving at the airport with babies in a grey plastic tray or to check-in online and have those under 5 years old air-freighted to their destination and cut out the middleman all together.

    The Royal Association Of Small People, RASP, is expected to release a statement on Saturday. Its rumoured that their Managing Director, on hearing the news, collapsed to the floor, kicked and punched the ground with his hands and feet and screamed and screamed until he went red faced.

    Tuesday, December 12, 2006

    Government Doesn't Know How Many It Employs ; Labour Unions Still Says It's Not Enough

    In a move to delight all writers of fake news and satire, the UK Home Office has revealed that due to poor book-keeping it's not totally sure how many staff it employs.

    This similar attention to detail is also be sighted as the reason for the department having run up an overdraft of 246 million pounds sterling. Rumours that the money is being spent building a fence around the entire coastline of the UK to keep illegal foreign chappies out has been strenuously denied.

    In other words, as the Truthiness London Bureau has found out, workers unions have advised their members would are Home Office based to not turn up to work tomorrow to see just how many people this unknown figure might be.

    Rumours that the number of employees could be as high as 11.75 billion has been discounted by union leaders who state the system couldn't function without at least 12 billion employees.

    The Home Office press officer may or may not exist and therefore no-one was able to or leagally contracted to comment.

  • Guess the weight of the Home Office Employees here
  • The News Sniffs Out The Truthiness ; Smells Like Bad Cheese

    We made the news!

    Well, sort of.

  • Click here for the complete and utter truth
  • Monday, December 11, 2006

    Even God Says It's Not Going As We Thought In Iraq

    The number of those supporting the war in Iraq continues to dwindle day-by-day leaving President Bush more isolated and out of touch.

    This situation has been exasperated this evening by a press release by God's Public Relations team who have announced that he thinks a u-turn on policy is needed if things are not to decend into chaos and all out civil war.

    '' Despite the work of many people and a truthiness style policy lead by Bush, it's clear that things have to change if anything is to get better or, at the least, less worse, '' said God this evening at Newark Liberty Airport as he changed planes for a three week break in the Carribbean.

    Last week, a memo sent by Donald Rumsfeld in early November to the White House suggesting new options in Iraq was leaked and shows that even the wars most fierce supporter has acknowledged things need to be different.

    God was unavailable for further comment.

  • Read Don's change of mind here
  • Sunday, December 10, 2006

    Can 'The First War Of The 21st Century' Stay The Course?

    As previously reported in The Truthiness Blog, the style of the language of our governments tells you an awful lot than the words themselves ever could.

    So it was that in last week's
  • Bush and Blair speech
  • that the President used that telling phrase, that very telling phrase about being ' in this first war of the 21st century' when refering to the war in Iraq.

    You may recall that just after the midterm election, former Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld used the
  • same phrase in his speech
  • once the President had finally accepted his resignation and the calls for him to go .

    What exactly could be the reasoning behind the use of such a phrase? It couldn't be that the US government wants to hammer home that it would like the conflict/civil war that the coalition forces started in that country to be branded like a new version of a soft drink?

    Is the US eager to have been the first in the World to have the ' First War Of The 21st Century'?

    After WMDs

    After Freedom and Liberty

    After Credible Threat

    After Regime Change

    After Stay The Course

    After We Never Said Stay The Course

    we now have this?

    Does the subtle attempt to 'brand' as you would a product in a store, a war that has it seems to have no end the most important action to be trying at this point?

    Because if Mr President and Mr Prime Minister the 'First War Of The 21st Century' is truly that, then it could end up being a war which last for most of this century and it will hang like a millstone round your necks, unless you change course and change your attitude.

    Bank Of America 'Eyes Barclays Bank', May Even Ask It To Dinner

    In a move surely to anger the parents of Barclays Bank, Bank Of America is said to be 'Eyeing Barclays'.

    The comment was made by the playground gossip Merrill Lynch, BOA (as he is more commonly called among his peers) is believed to have been interested in Barclays for a while now but couldn't quite pluck up the courage to ask her out.

    Merrill added ' it's such a sweet thing, Barclays had been hoping something like this would happen, she's caught BOA staring at her across the lunch room before now. But everyone knows her parents are bound to be dead apposed to this.''

    It's further rumoured that the couple will go on their first date to the London Stock Exchange, 7am Monday, when it's thought BOA will buy some shares and possibly a new pair of shoes for Barclays.

    Speculation that it could lead to a merger or acquisition before Christmas has been strongly denied by the school nurse.

  • Read the school gossip latest here, now
  • Wednesday, December 06, 2006

    Parking Scandal Could Be The Biggest Thing Since The Yellow Lines Got Painted

    In a scandal to be bigger than anything since the switching on of the town Christmas lights, the English town of Tewkesbury has suspended it's own parking attendant.

    This move has led to parking chaos on the market town's narrow streets and residents have taken full advantage of the absence of an authority figure.

    It is unconfirmed whether the whole situation has been cleverly devised by the disputed employee in an effort to get huge amounts of overtime sorting out the traffic mess when he is eventually reinstated.

    '' This can't continue, the whole situation is a total nightmare'' , said one drama queen resident who had trouble retrieving her wheelie bin from the main road.

    Not its not a nightmare, it's a mild inconvenience; a nightmare would be you getting a parking ticket, on your wheelie bin.

  • See this mild bit of fun and confusion here
  • Tuesday, December 05, 2006

    Morally Outraged Moralisers Want Limo Seat Designers Heads On Sticks

    Following Britney Spears unplanned (or was it?) flash while doing her best to get out of a limo, family orientated moral outrage groups have added a new twist to the usual story of shock and 'what have we become' soundbites.

    Late this afternoon members of the Parents Against Naughty Teen Stars issued a statement calling on Congress to hold a debate on limo seat designers obligations to manufacture seats that did not allow those former teen stars to alight from a streched vehicle with their dignity.

    '' I find it astonishing the American People have put up with this for so long, we've got kids going to proms and parties all over the country, many getting driven there in limos and luxury hummers like this with seats that could take away their innocence '' , said Mandy McJumped-Up of Chicago, Illinois.

    Rumours that PANTS may make demands on Britney Spears personally have been strongly denied.

  • Read the full story, with all the facts out in the open and a good deal more, here
  • Friday, December 01, 2006

    Blair Speech Later ; But Why Wait For Him? We'll Tell You Now

    In an innovative move for The Truthiness, we will report on a speech to be made by Tony Blair later today. We know what he's going to say, we know how long it's going to take for him to say it and we know how many times he'll use the phrase 'freedom fries for all' ( 16 by our counter experts). So since we've got all the facts, we'll cover the speech now, before he makes it.

    This all means that later on, when he makes the speech, we will have time to cover the other important stories of the day such as at our London Desk, who's going to win 'I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!' and at our New York Desk, the fall out from 'Dancing With The Stars'. Plus it means we can clear out of the office early and get home for a CSI-Miami double-bill.

    A Downing Street spokesperson couldn't comment on rumours that the only people watching his speech later, when he actually makes it, will be his Mum, little Baby Leo and the cleaning man.

    Truthiness - Getting the facts wrong now, rather than later.

  • See Blair's speech here, before he makes it
  • Wednesday, November 29, 2006

    23rd Study This Year Tells Us We're Too Fat For Airline Seats

    Causing only mild interest, compared to slight shock at the beginning of the year, this year's 23rd study which finds that air passengers are getting too fat for the seats has been published.

    The study staff feel bad that they didn't work harder at the start of the year to get the results out earlier in the year when people reading the papers would actually give a damn.

    '' When the warm and sunny weather arrived about mid-May, we all took the summer off, we thought this was too good to waste. Plus we're university graduates, so it's kinda a given that when there's a chance to relax from work, you take it and exploit it to it's full.'' That quote was from Anderson McDonald of University College, Washington.

    He denied to confirm that next year's expected January release of a study into 'the effect of excessive studies into obvious things we already knew', may have to be pushed back to a June release if the study board get a cheap new-year group rate deal to Hawaii.

    Monday, November 27, 2006

    Well Timed Bug Embarassed By Hitting Berlusconi

    In an Exclusive for The Truthiness Blog, the small bacterial bug which knocked Silvio Berlusconi off his podium has broken his silence.

    Being interviewed at a secret Tuscany Hotel, the bug, only wishing to be identified as 'Paul' said,

    ' I'm so sorry for Mr Berlusconi, it just seems I hit him at totally the wrong time, it means he's now not well enough to stand trial, which I know will be cutting him up inside. He had his heart set on having his day in Court and now will have to reschedule.'

    Additionally, 'Paul' told Mr Berlusconi to get lots of bed rest and drink plenty of fluids.

    Rumours that 'Paul' had signed a deal for a photoshoot with US Weekly have been strongly denied.

  • See Berlusconi and 'Paul' at their last public engagement here
  • Saturday, November 25, 2006

    Go Big, Go Long, Go Home ; Go Blue Jays!

    Pentagon Insiders have disclosed the future plan for Iraq's strategy with simple, easy to understand English terms.

    The policy is thought to consist of ;

    Go Big, Go Long, Go Home.

    The fact that this sounds more like a campaign phrase grates uncomfortably with the date that looms large this Thanksgiving weekend.

    On Sunday, 26th November 2006, the United States of America will have been in Iraq longer than been engaged in the Second World War, 1347 days. That war was different. Very different.

    This invasion, this war, has not given the World a better place to move onto, the US government, led by Mr Bush still struts around, acting like the World's overgrown policeman, assuming anyone who disagrees with it is wrong or any enemy, or both.

    The America People deserve better, they know, as does the World and the people of Iraq.

    Even Mr Blair went as far as he could to admit in an interview that Iraq was a disaster.

    President Bush, stop saying we 'only win if we stay'.

    Because we all know, we only lose if you stay.

  • MSNBC's Keith Olbermann discusses Go Big, Go Long and Go Home on the Countdown

  • You have two years left, as you say ''history will be my judge'', then prove us wrong on this mess.

    Friday, November 24, 2006

    Thanksgiving Speech For Bush's Dinner Exclusive Here! Well, Its Sorta True

    In a World Exclusive for us at Truthiness Headquarters, we have an extract which may (but more likely is not) from Presdent Bush's Thanksgiving Dinner, here's a portion (of the speech, not the dinner) here :

    " I'd like to give thanks to the American People for agreeing with me that they were scared enough to relect me in 2004. I'd like to thank my Daddy for letting all his old pals work for me and giving me advice when I didn't think I needed any anyway. I'd like to thank the Iraqi Courts for sentencing Saddam just before the election, I though it would work, but hey, it never hurt anybody. I'd like to thank my government for persuading the American People about the Weapons Of Mass Destruction in Iraq, which don't exist. I'd like to thank them for believing that there was a connection between Iraq and Al-Qaeda which doesn't exist. Plus for believing it was to bring freedom to Iraq while passing the Patriot Act and Military Comissions Act at home, oh and suspending Habeas Corpus. Thanks for letting me invade Iraq to take revenge on someone for 9/11 and since they weren't connected to it, that's really nice of you, thanks. I'm thankful for being allowed to contain Iraq as a 'rogue state' even though we said earlier that they weren't a threat.

    But most of all, I'd like to thank the voters, for letting me get away with all this since 2001 and none of you have caught me out yet. Thanks so much folks. And remember, in America you're free, totally free, to do what we tell you.

    Happy Thanksgiving. Now lets have some turkey and tap some phones."

    You heard it here first.

    Thursday, November 23, 2006

    Bush's Stolen Purse Contained Secret Plan

    The theft of President Bush's daughter's purse has taken on a bizzare political slant this evening.

    It turns out the purse, which was stolen during a dinner engagement in Buenos Aires contained not just the usual lip balm, tissues, cell phone, purse, nuclear launch code switch, but also a secret treasure map.

    The map, which hasn't been officially recognised by the White House, is fabled to contain details of how to get to a mystical city in the desert, fight an evil dictator, liberate the good people of the Country, find the gold that lies hidden under the surface and they'll all live happily ever after.

    But, historians say a vital second page has never been discovered. This legendary second piece of the map is believed to contain details of what the treasure finders should do afterwards, including the most early example of an 'exit strategy'

    Due the lack of second page, President Bush is quoted as saying about Iraq's second-phase, in private to 'winging it, flying by my pants'.

    Anyone with information about this treasure map is asked to sell it on ebay. Or if you're honest, hand it back to the nearest police station.

  • Here be treasure me hearties! And that dainty purse
  • Tuesday, November 21, 2006

    The TomKat Gets The Freaky Hollywood Cream

    In a ceremony to make the spirit raising effort in Raiders Of The Lost Ark with melting faces look tame, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes got married in Italy.

    The wedding was attended by several Hollywood celebrities, with the guests, such as Will Smith working the rope-line rather than the groom or bride, who had far bigger things to show off.

    Indeed, rumours abound with regard to the official wedding photo of the new couple, whether or not Tom Cruise was stood on a copy of the pre-nup agreement, or a storage crate.

    Maybe it's just in european metric measurements he appears taller.

    Like Keith Olbermann, I can announce; Tom Cruise scares me

  • See MSNBC's Countdown cover the gory details
  • Sunday, November 19, 2006

    Vietnam Bush Visit Deflects From 'Worst War Since Vietnam'

    After the 'thumpin' taken by the President and the GOP during the midterms, Mr Bush has tried to deflect attention by taking a foreign trip.

    It was assumed that the visit to Vietnam of all places was decided by Cheney throwing a dart into a spinning globe, that is just a rumour the White House has said. However a member of the Vietnam delegation greeting the President in Ho Chi Minh City was heard to say in an off camera moment ' if you think Iraq is going to be like us in thirty years then you're three bugs short of a phone tap Mr President'.

    The 'Where Can We Go Instead Of Visiting Baghdad Again '06 Tour' has Iran, North Korea and err Iraq next as tour dates.

  • See Bush saving the World and wearing a tunic right here. Is there anything this guy can't do?
  • Friday, November 17, 2006

    Shiny Uniforms Reason Behind US Air Bid For Delta

    Uniform envy is high on the agenda in US Airways $8 billion bid for Delta. US Airways said they really wanted to get their hands on Delta's sharp and crisp lines design for staff, compared with the bidder's own crisp and sharp lined outfits. Consolidation of routes and reduction in overcapacity on underused destinations would be a secondary priority once new, Delta style, uniforms had been rolled out to the entire staff.

    An unknown source said that if Delta made the terms more difficult then US would bite back by making them hand the former US staff their uniforms and, until additional outfits were delivered, make the former Delta staff do their duties in their vests and pants.

    The dealbreaker was said to be those silver-grey natty hankerchiefs worn by Delta workers in their breast pockets.

  • Read the true details about the $8 billion Delta bid here
  • Thursday, November 16, 2006

    Picky Dictator Contests Landslide Election Results

    In an unprecedented move the President of the South-Central African Republic, Mufsia-Ombwabwa, has thrown out the results of his Country's election after he disagreed with them.

    The tinpot dictator who has held office for 12 years after his father was mysteriously pushed off his luxury yacht on his 60th birthday party vowed that the results had been rigged by the opposition party. The results confirm that Ombwabwa's South-Central's National Party won by 101.75% of the vote, with the opposing Liberation Party gaining a significant one seat in the government with 0.25% of the votes.

    Mr Ombwabwa's previous election victories have seen an average voting percentage of 104%, so this year marks a significant loss in support.

    A rerun of the election will take place on Monday, but there is no need for Mr Ombwabwa's supporters to vote, just opposition voters need venture to their local polling stations to let their voices be heard.

  • To see a real African election, click here
  • Wednesday, November 15, 2006

    Iraq Secret Plan Competition : Win That Pen!

    The White House has been overwhelmed by the response to the suggestions competition on Iraq, they were so impressed they've previewed some of the ideas. Here's some facts and figures from the first bunch of entries.

    43% of plans involve a total departure of all Allied forces taking 2 to 3 days.

    15% said they though the UN should takeover.

    12% said Saddam should be allowed to return as leader.

    33% recommended the Swiss should have control. At least they'd all have good chocolate and be on time.

    7% suggested we give Donald Rumsfeld a free one way ticket, it was his baby after all.

    and 1% said we should 'stay the course'.

    and 1% also said 'we never said stay the course'.

    and another 1% said 'didn't we already fix it? Mission Accomplished wasn't it?'.

    We remind you there is a 25% margin of error, thanks to our friends at Electoral Services Florida for compiling these figures.

    The competition remains open, so if you have any suggestion about how to improve the Iraq situation, then do get in touch.

    Tuesday, November 14, 2006

    K-Fed-Ex Has Sex Tape Brit In Chess Board Rock Shock Lock

    The twists and turns in the Britney Spears - Kevin Federline divorce took another unexpected hairpin bend as it emerged that K-Fed is threatening to release, he alleges, a 'four hour long' sex tape if Spears holds him to a prenuptial agreement. The details have been revealed by a gossip trusted tabloid.

    The most curious of all the details though is that all they broke for was the 'odd game of chess'.

    Indeed, if you're breaking off (pun happily intended) having sex with one of the World's most desirable woman to play chess, then it certainly is an odd game of chess.

    Ask any man if he'd break from playing a marathon game of chess to make an odd move with Spears, you'd have to get in line.

  • Who's got your rook? See the whole sordid chess move details here
  • Monday, November 13, 2006

    US Dusts Off Canada Invasion Plans As Canadian Scholars Smoke Pot

    We're following a developing story tonight in which the US's northern neighbour has sparked up quite a furor in Washington circles.

    Two Toronto Professors have been given the green light to smoke pot due to medical conditions. However the United States' liberal neighbour has finally gone 'one joint too far' a senior source said this afternoon. The same source added that it was clear the Professors are just the tip of the iceberg, thousands of educational staff are suspected of teaching illegal methods of how students can get totally off their faces.

    Behind closed doors, plans are afoot for a full scale military invasion of Canada, scheduled for this Wednesday between 9am and 5pm eastern ( 6am thru 2pm pacific). Military deployment has already begun, soldiers are being moved from Basra to the Canadian border, secret service agents are already over the border, disguised as tourists at Niagara Falls.

    The Canadian Ambassador to the US in Washington has responded by sending a strongly worded letter to the President, along with a complimentary box of Maple Syrup and a Blue Jays baseball cap.

    The soldiers hope to be home by Christmas.

  • Proof that Canada could launch Joints Of Mass Destruction, JMDs, within 45 minutes
  • Bush Copies Britney In K-Fed/D-Fed Dump Shock

    It emerged early this morning that our fearless leader, President Bush, copied Britney Spears in the style that he dumped his Defence Secretary last week. The Pop Princess famously dumped her husband Kevin Federline and has begun a bitter divorce and custody battle.

    Parallels between the two break-ups were highlighted by an un-named senior Republican who was with Rumseld as he received a text message from the 'Big Bush' (the name Don liked to call him) saying it was over. Co-incidentally, this moment was captured by a camera crew filming a behind the scenes reality show called 'The Simplier Life : Government Style'. The show is a mid-season replacement for a main network which is due to air it sometime in the new year.

    Further rumours that a custody battle is to loom with Bush and Don fighting over their DVD collection which includes Air Force One, Die Hard Trilogy and Sex In The City boxset which is believed to have great sentimental value to both parties.

    Initial reports about the pair having tickets to see Hillary Duff in concert have come to nothing as George sold the tickets on ebay for a handsome profit.

  • See the most powerful people in the country break-up here
  • Sunday, November 12, 2006

    Win a Free White House Pen ; Solve The War!

    In the spirit of bipartisanship, President Bush has thrown open the doors on US Foreign Policy, previously the preserve of the Republicans, White House insiders and Mrs Green, the cleaning lady.

    With the Democrats having invaded the Hill and taking up positions everywhere and even rumoured to be setting up a Committee on Committees for Oversight, they have been asked by Mr Bush for any ideas for how to deal with the terrorist threat the nation faces.

    The competition will run until 31st of December 2020, or whenever we are no longer being hated by everyone, including most of our allies (and the French).

    The categories are,

    under age 8.

    ages 8, 9 and 10

    11 and above.

    Those directly involved in judging the contest are not eligible to enter, that includes most of the federal government. However the small print says the President can enter under an assumed name, due to executive orders.

    Unconfirmed reports that Mr Bush's entry will be on the back of a cornflake packet involving spray painted macaroni, some string and glitter have yet to be founded.

  • See the President launch the competition here, hope you win!
  • Friday, November 10, 2006

    Ex-Defence Secretarys Do The Darndest Things!

    With the White House mourning the loss of a Secretary and the soldiers in Iraq booking their return tickets, the outgoing Mr Rumsfeld is still doing what he does best.

    Keeping us entertained, hmm I mean, keeping us safe, yes, keeping us safe.

  • Watch our former Defence Secretary Keeping Us 'Safe'
  • Thursday, November 09, 2006

    Rumsfeld Listens To Himself; Gets Bush To Give The Boot

    With the Democrats taking control of the House and the Senate on a knife-edge decider, George Bush decided to distract attention by firing someone, Don Rumsfeld.

    Sources refuse to confirm rumours that Bush decided to replace his Defence Secretary after a heavy night on the bottle; spin the bottle that is which he was playing with Dick Cheney.

    There were early reports that as the former Secretary was talking to the President shouts of 'calm down, stand back and take a breath' were heard said by Rumsfeld. However it simply turned out to be the President reacting to discovering a spider underneath a pile of dusty and unread Presidential Daily Briefings.

    The Defence Secretary's last act in office was having the spider flown to Eastern Europe for 'questioning' under the new Military Comissions Act'. Allegations that the spider was involved in terrorising Miss Muffet and her tuffet haven't been confirmed.

    Wednesday, November 08, 2006

    Election Pressure Is Too Much As Voting Machines Explode

    In a late breaking story tonight, voters in several districts have reported problems with electronic touch-screen voting machines.

    It was initially reported that the problems were simply teething, however the Truthiness Blog can exclusively reveal the problem is due to all the machines being unable to add up. Some of the advance version machines which have attempted to add the votes in the first districts to close polling stations have simply exploded, causing localised damaged and crucially, losing all voting details.

    A voter Micheal Anderson, who witnessed such an explosion said '' I was walking in the door when a small amount of smoke began leaking out the back of the machine in the corner of the room, then there was a bright flash and loud bang. When the smoke cleared the elderly lady who'd been using the machine was no-where to be seen. Someone screamed and pointed upwwards and there she was sitting on the ceiling fan, still clutching her ' I Voted ' button. If this is how dangerous voting is, I think I won't bother''.

    Mr Anderson then went home and switched on CNN to see the election results, but mainly to see if any voting machine explosions had been caught by a 'I-Report' reporter.

    Election officials have refused to say whether at the next election they will employ a more controversial technology which is being called ballet papers and ballet boxes. President Bush said he didn't touch this 'modern-hoo-doo stuff'.

  • See those voting machines explode here
  • Monday, November 06, 2006

    Pointless Poll Tells Us What We Already Knew

    With one day until the election, a pointless poll has been released which tells us US voters are most interested in Iraq, the economy and terrorism. Researchers had been shocked since last week's poll of the issues showed voters seemed seven days ago more interested in the price of milk, bread and what would happen on the opening season premiere of The O.C.

    So what changed since last week? Some theorists theorise that since Mischa Barton's character was killed off and the show seemed to have 'jumped the shark', plus bread-buying has fallen as Americans cut out carbs for crash diets so they are trim for Thanksgiving, that opinions have moved onto more worldy matters.

    Sources say the sudden shift to more moral issues has nothing to do with the hugely out of touch comments made by President Bush on 'The Google'.

    For further details consult this site from the 'interweb'.

  • The Google
  • Sunday, November 05, 2006

    Rumsfeld Calls For Himself To Go

    In an unexpected, but inevitable move Donald Rumsfeld has joined the growing band of voices calling for himself to resign his position.

    Following an answer by the Defence Secretary to a question about the Saddam Trial, Mr Rumsfeld added the comment that he 'believed the time has come for regime change in the Defence Secretary's Office'. Reporters were, as expected stunned, then asked for clarification of the comment, but no further answer was given by the Secretary who left the Pentagon press briefing immediately after.

    Rumours that the Democrats were behind this stunt have been denied by several Congressmen, though the GOP is adamant its all a 'liberal conspiracy' a source who goes by the name of Donald is reported to have said.

  • Click Here - The Military's In-House Magazine Asks The Defence Secretary To Leave
  • Friday, November 03, 2006

    Tom Cruise's Ego Becomes Dangerously Overloaded. STAND CLEAR!

    A small man who likes to make big statements. It must have been too much to expect Tom Cruise to keep quiet following all the controversy recently surrounding his religious, personnal and career orientated comments.

    You can just hear his PR people saying to him after he'd been jumping up and down on Oprah's sofa and buying cheap ultrasound equipment on Ebay to keep his head below the parapet for a few months.

    Of course he didn't listen. Today he decided to buy a film studio. Of course, the movies it will make will all feature him.

    So let that be a lesson to us all if we ever get to Hollywood. If you annoy your movie studio bosses, don't worry too much about getting employment.

    Just buy your own studio and make your own films.

    See, life really isn't THAT difficult now is it?

  • What you can do; if you have the money and a movie studio to buy
  • Thursday, November 02, 2006

    Bush & Blair Take English Lessons

    Bush's government likes to dismiss those who disagree with them by accusing them of being 'out of the mainstream'. Rather like 'stay the course', it became, for a while, a buzz-phrase.

    So, you'd think that through President Bush's use of the word anyone who isn't in the mainstream isn't a true 'average joe'.

    Until of course, today's comment made by unaverage-joe Tony Blair on creationism, seemed to have flipped that phrase on it's head.

    While answering worries about the controversial subject being taught in UK schools, the Prime Minister said it would only become a worry if it became 'the mainstream'.

    In the UK, being 'mainstream' means being lumped together in an average group of average people doing pretty much average things and thinking average thoughts. Most Brits are happy to be different, eccentric even and far outside being grouped as 'mainstream'.

    In the US, the use (or should that be mis-use?) of the word has moulded the meaning into forcing people to conform to the 'mainstream'. You have to be average, toe the line and hold the course for the Country's good. If you don't you are labelled as being 'out of it' and irrelevant to the course the country is taking.

    And taken it to the extreme, if you are out of the mainstream you are not a true patriot and a true American.

    If you use this to make people seem a threat then you are either stupid or dangerous, or worse; you are both.

    Thank goodness the US and UK don't speak the same language, otherwise we'd really be in trouble.

  • Click here for Blair's definition
  • Wednesday, November 01, 2006

    Tell Dick Cheney to get his gun! I've found him!

    Yeah folks, you heard it here first, Bin Laden's been found!

    Where? Maine, how embarassing for George Bush. Talk about finding him in your own back yard.
    Unconfirmed reports suggest Osama was in New England seeing the fall colours change while on vacation.

  • Maine Today - Osama Arrested
  • Five Years On And Have We Got Anywhere?

    Perhaps the reason any movement on building work at Ground Zero ebbs along at a glacial pace is because of what it symbolises? As the US broadcaster, Keith Olbermann says, 'it has become a backdrop for photo shoots'. The image of that vast empty space is useful to keep reminding people about 9/11 and bolster support for anything that's deemed important enough to do under the priviso of keeping us 'safe'.

    If there was a new shiny building being built on the site in Lower Manhatten, the imagery wouldn't be quite as effective. Maybe keeping the space vacant is quite a useful political ploy?

    Watch the Keith Olbermann MSNBC video from his show Countdown here:

  • Keith Olbermann- This Hole In The Ground
  • Sunday, October 29, 2006

    Be very careful prizing that bottle out of his hand.

    One excellent political rule the US have that the UK doesn't is that a President can only sit for two terms, whereas in the UK the Prime Minister can rule for as long as they want (or before the people or their own party throw them out, see Margaret Thatcher).

    In the current state we are all in, regardless of national boundary, whether that be the US, UK, Canada, Mexico, Europe, Asia, or the Middle East we are all effected by the rule that the US government is bounded by. That means the current President and his effect on everything, EVERYTHING, don't be thinking that just because you don't live in the US you aren't effected by it. The US is, at the moment, the World's only true Super-Power, it has airbases in almost every country it has ever had military action in, it's oil comes, mostly from the Middle East, it's clothes come mostly from Asia.

    If America sneezes, we all catch a cold in a sense.

    Thats why the 4th November 2008 is such an important date, that's when Bush's employment contract runs out. It would be easy to assume that because he has limited time left the Bush Administration's power is ebbing away, true there is a decent chance he will loose control of the Senate. At the same time, public support for an unwinable war (sorry, he won that didn't he? I saw the banner 'mission accomplished', silly me), constant scandals and a general suspicion of US foreign policy abroad makes it seem that Bush is on a downward stretch.

    Or is he?

    Think about it, 2 years left in office, what would you do before your time was up? He no longer needs to worry about opinion polls as he can't be re-elected, so, just get your head down and charge!

    Imagine this, a drunk in a liquor store, the owner's called the police, they're on their way, what's the guy going to do? He know's the cops will grab him and he has no chance of getting away, the owner is safely behind the counter, keeping a safe distance. The drunk does the only thing he knows what to do, grabs and opens and drinks as many and as much as he can before the officers charge through the door.

    The question is, will he go quietly into the goodnight and (maybe this is a real big stretch, but I live in hope) atone for some of the questionable actions, or rage, rage againest the dying of the light?

    We all have a responsibility to make sure the two years he has left are two in which the people, for who Bush is meant to serve, tell their leader exactly what they want him to do.

    It can't be the other way round, its a democracy.

    For anyone who's interested, look the word up on Wikipedia. And for anyone reading this from Iraq, 'democracy' is that thing we promised we'd bring with us along with the tanks and hummers. Somehow it got lost in the mail.

    Maybe the democracy is in the same place as the Weapons Of Mass Destruction.

    The War On Water, its not as good for you as you think!


    Following the alleged plot to blow up transatlantic airliners with liquid explosives disguised in soft drinks a new and unlikely front has opened in this war. The War On Drink.
    A colour coded system for dealing with potentially dangerous beverage situations has been poured out.

    At one end of the range of deadly drinks is the hot/unstable category which includes anything hot with foam from Starbucks. Although the liquid itself is not dangerous, the temperature of the drink makes it unstable for a short-space of time. As a precautionary measure, all Starbucks are being fitted with anti-spillage concrete blocks to be placed in the vicinity of all outlets. The government says the effectivness of Starbucks manufactured lids for the cups is unproved and could fail at a critical point and has advised patrons that they use these at their own risk.

    The Department Of Homeland Security has made it clear that the War On Drink should not be confused with a similar War On Drink waged many decades ago. That War involved just one person; current President Bush. Although that War had a successful outcome, its cousin, the War On Drugs caused too much permanent damaged to be declared won.

    In short, if we have to declare that sheep are a potential terrorist weapon to keep you scared, be assured; we WILL take them out!

    Be afraid, be very afraid, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE, but first we'll tap your phone and read your email.
    Cost of the War in Iraq
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