Wednesday, November 29, 2006

23rd Study This Year Tells Us We're Too Fat For Airline Seats

Causing only mild interest, compared to slight shock at the beginning of the year, this year's 23rd study which finds that air passengers are getting too fat for the seats has been published.

The study staff feel bad that they didn't work harder at the start of the year to get the results out earlier in the year when people reading the papers would actually give a damn.

'' When the warm and sunny weather arrived about mid-May, we all took the summer off, we thought this was too good to waste. Plus we're university graduates, so it's kinda a given that when there's a chance to relax from work, you take it and exploit it to it's full.'' That quote was from Anderson McDonald of University College, Washington.

He denied to confirm that next year's expected January release of a study into 'the effect of excessive studies into obvious things we already knew', may have to be pushed back to a June release if the study board get a cheap new-year group rate deal to Hawaii.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Well Timed Bug Embarassed By Hitting Berlusconi

In an Exclusive for The Truthiness Blog, the small bacterial bug which knocked Silvio Berlusconi off his podium has broken his silence.

Being interviewed at a secret Tuscany Hotel, the bug, only wishing to be identified as 'Paul' said,

' I'm so sorry for Mr Berlusconi, it just seems I hit him at totally the wrong time, it means he's now not well enough to stand trial, which I know will be cutting him up inside. He had his heart set on having his day in Court and now will have to reschedule.'

Additionally, 'Paul' told Mr Berlusconi to get lots of bed rest and drink plenty of fluids.

Rumours that 'Paul' had signed a deal for a photoshoot with US Weekly have been strongly denied.

  • See Berlusconi and 'Paul' at their last public engagement here
  • Saturday, November 25, 2006

    Go Big, Go Long, Go Home ; Go Blue Jays!

    Pentagon Insiders have disclosed the future plan for Iraq's strategy with simple, easy to understand English terms.

    The policy is thought to consist of ;

    Go Big, Go Long, Go Home.

    The fact that this sounds more like a campaign phrase grates uncomfortably with the date that looms large this Thanksgiving weekend.

    On Sunday, 26th November 2006, the United States of America will have been in Iraq longer than been engaged in the Second World War, 1347 days. That war was different. Very different.

    This invasion, this war, has not given the World a better place to move onto, the US government, led by Mr Bush still struts around, acting like the World's overgrown policeman, assuming anyone who disagrees with it is wrong or any enemy, or both.

    The America People deserve better, they know, as does the World and the people of Iraq.

    Even Mr Blair went as far as he could to admit in an interview that Iraq was a disaster.

    President Bush, stop saying we 'only win if we stay'.

    Because we all know, we only lose if you stay.

  • MSNBC's Keith Olbermann discusses Go Big, Go Long and Go Home on the Countdown

  • You have two years left, as you say ''history will be my judge'', then prove us wrong on this mess.

    Friday, November 24, 2006

    Thanksgiving Speech For Bush's Dinner Exclusive Here! Well, Its Sorta True

    In a World Exclusive for us at Truthiness Headquarters, we have an extract which may (but more likely is not) from Presdent Bush's Thanksgiving Dinner, here's a portion (of the speech, not the dinner) here :

    " I'd like to give thanks to the American People for agreeing with me that they were scared enough to relect me in 2004. I'd like to thank my Daddy for letting all his old pals work for me and giving me advice when I didn't think I needed any anyway. I'd like to thank the Iraqi Courts for sentencing Saddam just before the election, I though it would work, but hey, it never hurt anybody. I'd like to thank my government for persuading the American People about the Weapons Of Mass Destruction in Iraq, which don't exist. I'd like to thank them for believing that there was a connection between Iraq and Al-Qaeda which doesn't exist. Plus for believing it was to bring freedom to Iraq while passing the Patriot Act and Military Comissions Act at home, oh and suspending Habeas Corpus. Thanks for letting me invade Iraq to take revenge on someone for 9/11 and since they weren't connected to it, that's really nice of you, thanks. I'm thankful for being allowed to contain Iraq as a 'rogue state' even though we said earlier that they weren't a threat.

    But most of all, I'd like to thank the voters, for letting me get away with all this since 2001 and none of you have caught me out yet. Thanks so much folks. And remember, in America you're free, totally free, to do what we tell you.

    Happy Thanksgiving. Now lets have some turkey and tap some phones."

    You heard it here first.

    Thursday, November 23, 2006

    Bush's Stolen Purse Contained Secret Plan

    The theft of President Bush's daughter's purse has taken on a bizzare political slant this evening.

    It turns out the purse, which was stolen during a dinner engagement in Buenos Aires contained not just the usual lip balm, tissues, cell phone, purse, nuclear launch code switch, but also a secret treasure map.

    The map, which hasn't been officially recognised by the White House, is fabled to contain details of how to get to a mystical city in the desert, fight an evil dictator, liberate the good people of the Country, find the gold that lies hidden under the surface and they'll all live happily ever after.

    But, historians say a vital second page has never been discovered. This legendary second piece of the map is believed to contain details of what the treasure finders should do afterwards, including the most early example of an 'exit strategy'

    Due the lack of second page, President Bush is quoted as saying about Iraq's second-phase, in private to 'winging it, flying by my pants'.

    Anyone with information about this treasure map is asked to sell it on ebay. Or if you're honest, hand it back to the nearest police station.

  • Here be treasure me hearties! And that dainty purse
  • Tuesday, November 21, 2006

    The TomKat Gets The Freaky Hollywood Cream

    In a ceremony to make the spirit raising effort in Raiders Of The Lost Ark with melting faces look tame, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes got married in Italy.

    The wedding was attended by several Hollywood celebrities, with the guests, such as Will Smith working the rope-line rather than the groom or bride, who had far bigger things to show off.

    Indeed, rumours abound with regard to the official wedding photo of the new couple, whether or not Tom Cruise was stood on a copy of the pre-nup agreement, or a storage crate.

    Maybe it's just in european metric measurements he appears taller.

    Like Keith Olbermann, I can announce; Tom Cruise scares me

  • See MSNBC's Countdown cover the gory details
  • Sunday, November 19, 2006

    Vietnam Bush Visit Deflects From 'Worst War Since Vietnam'

    After the 'thumpin' taken by the President and the GOP during the midterms, Mr Bush has tried to deflect attention by taking a foreign trip.

    It was assumed that the visit to Vietnam of all places was decided by Cheney throwing a dart into a spinning globe, that is just a rumour the White House has said. However a member of the Vietnam delegation greeting the President in Ho Chi Minh City was heard to say in an off camera moment ' if you think Iraq is going to be like us in thirty years then you're three bugs short of a phone tap Mr President'.

    The 'Where Can We Go Instead Of Visiting Baghdad Again '06 Tour' has Iran, North Korea and err Iraq next as tour dates.

  • See Bush saving the World and wearing a tunic right here. Is there anything this guy can't do?
  • Friday, November 17, 2006

    Shiny Uniforms Reason Behind US Air Bid For Delta

    Uniform envy is high on the agenda in US Airways $8 billion bid for Delta. US Airways said they really wanted to get their hands on Delta's sharp and crisp lines design for staff, compared with the bidder's own crisp and sharp lined outfits. Consolidation of routes and reduction in overcapacity on underused destinations would be a secondary priority once new, Delta style, uniforms had been rolled out to the entire staff.

    An unknown source said that if Delta made the terms more difficult then US would bite back by making them hand the former US staff their uniforms and, until additional outfits were delivered, make the former Delta staff do their duties in their vests and pants.

    The dealbreaker was said to be those silver-grey natty hankerchiefs worn by Delta workers in their breast pockets.

  • Read the true details about the $8 billion Delta bid here
  • Thursday, November 16, 2006

    Picky Dictator Contests Landslide Election Results

    In an unprecedented move the President of the South-Central African Republic, Mufsia-Ombwabwa, has thrown out the results of his Country's election after he disagreed with them.

    The tinpot dictator who has held office for 12 years after his father was mysteriously pushed off his luxury yacht on his 60th birthday party vowed that the results had been rigged by the opposition party. The results confirm that Ombwabwa's South-Central's National Party won by 101.75% of the vote, with the opposing Liberation Party gaining a significant one seat in the government with 0.25% of the votes.

    Mr Ombwabwa's previous election victories have seen an average voting percentage of 104%, so this year marks a significant loss in support.

    A rerun of the election will take place on Monday, but there is no need for Mr Ombwabwa's supporters to vote, just opposition voters need venture to their local polling stations to let their voices be heard.

  • To see a real African election, click here
  • Wednesday, November 15, 2006

    Iraq Secret Plan Competition : Win That Pen!

    The White House has been overwhelmed by the response to the suggestions competition on Iraq, they were so impressed they've previewed some of the ideas. Here's some facts and figures from the first bunch of entries.

    43% of plans involve a total departure of all Allied forces taking 2 to 3 days.

    15% said they though the UN should takeover.

    12% said Saddam should be allowed to return as leader.

    33% recommended the Swiss should have control. At least they'd all have good chocolate and be on time.

    7% suggested we give Donald Rumsfeld a free one way ticket, it was his baby after all.

    and 1% said we should 'stay the course'.

    and 1% also said 'we never said stay the course'.

    and another 1% said 'didn't we already fix it? Mission Accomplished wasn't it?'.

    We remind you there is a 25% margin of error, thanks to our friends at Electoral Services Florida for compiling these figures.

    The competition remains open, so if you have any suggestion about how to improve the Iraq situation, then do get in touch.

    Tuesday, November 14, 2006

    K-Fed-Ex Has Sex Tape Brit In Chess Board Rock Shock Lock

    The twists and turns in the Britney Spears - Kevin Federline divorce took another unexpected hairpin bend as it emerged that K-Fed is threatening to release, he alleges, a 'four hour long' sex tape if Spears holds him to a prenuptial agreement. The details have been revealed by a gossip trusted tabloid.

    The most curious of all the details though is that all they broke for was the 'odd game of chess'.

    Indeed, if you're breaking off (pun happily intended) having sex with one of the World's most desirable woman to play chess, then it certainly is an odd game of chess.

    Ask any man if he'd break from playing a marathon game of chess to make an odd move with Spears, you'd have to get in line.

  • Who's got your rook? See the whole sordid chess move details here
  • Monday, November 13, 2006

    US Dusts Off Canada Invasion Plans As Canadian Scholars Smoke Pot

    We're following a developing story tonight in which the US's northern neighbour has sparked up quite a furor in Washington circles.

    Two Toronto Professors have been given the green light to smoke pot due to medical conditions. However the United States' liberal neighbour has finally gone 'one joint too far' a senior source said this afternoon. The same source added that it was clear the Professors are just the tip of the iceberg, thousands of educational staff are suspected of teaching illegal methods of how students can get totally off their faces.

    Behind closed doors, plans are afoot for a full scale military invasion of Canada, scheduled for this Wednesday between 9am and 5pm eastern ( 6am thru 2pm pacific). Military deployment has already begun, soldiers are being moved from Basra to the Canadian border, secret service agents are already over the border, disguised as tourists at Niagara Falls.

    The Canadian Ambassador to the US in Washington has responded by sending a strongly worded letter to the President, along with a complimentary box of Maple Syrup and a Blue Jays baseball cap.

    The soldiers hope to be home by Christmas.

  • Proof that Canada could launch Joints Of Mass Destruction, JMDs, within 45 minutes
  • Bush Copies Britney In K-Fed/D-Fed Dump Shock

    It emerged early this morning that our fearless leader, President Bush, copied Britney Spears in the style that he dumped his Defence Secretary last week. The Pop Princess famously dumped her husband Kevin Federline and has begun a bitter divorce and custody battle.

    Parallels between the two break-ups were highlighted by an un-named senior Republican who was with Rumseld as he received a text message from the 'Big Bush' (the name Don liked to call him) saying it was over. Co-incidentally, this moment was captured by a camera crew filming a behind the scenes reality show called 'The Simplier Life : Government Style'. The show is a mid-season replacement for a main network which is due to air it sometime in the new year.

    Further rumours that a custody battle is to loom with Bush and Don fighting over their DVD collection which includes Air Force One, Die Hard Trilogy and Sex In The City boxset which is believed to have great sentimental value to both parties.

    Initial reports about the pair having tickets to see Hillary Duff in concert have come to nothing as George sold the tickets on ebay for a handsome profit.

  • See the most powerful people in the country break-up here
  • Sunday, November 12, 2006

    Win a Free White House Pen ; Solve The War!

    In the spirit of bipartisanship, President Bush has thrown open the doors on US Foreign Policy, previously the preserve of the Republicans, White House insiders and Mrs Green, the cleaning lady.

    With the Democrats having invaded the Hill and taking up positions everywhere and even rumoured to be setting up a Committee on Committees for Oversight, they have been asked by Mr Bush for any ideas for how to deal with the terrorist threat the nation faces.

    The competition will run until 31st of December 2020, or whenever we are no longer being hated by everyone, including most of our allies (and the French).

    The categories are,

    under age 8.

    ages 8, 9 and 10

    11 and above.

    Those directly involved in judging the contest are not eligible to enter, that includes most of the federal government. However the small print says the President can enter under an assumed name, due to executive orders.

    Unconfirmed reports that Mr Bush's entry will be on the back of a cornflake packet involving spray painted macaroni, some string and glitter have yet to be founded.

  • See the President launch the competition here, hope you win!
  • Friday, November 10, 2006

    Ex-Defence Secretarys Do The Darndest Things!

    With the White House mourning the loss of a Secretary and the soldiers in Iraq booking their return tickets, the outgoing Mr Rumsfeld is still doing what he does best.

    Keeping us entertained, hmm I mean, keeping us safe, yes, keeping us safe.

  • Watch our former Defence Secretary Keeping Us 'Safe'
  • Thursday, November 09, 2006

    Rumsfeld Listens To Himself; Gets Bush To Give The Boot

    With the Democrats taking control of the House and the Senate on a knife-edge decider, George Bush decided to distract attention by firing someone, Don Rumsfeld.

    Sources refuse to confirm rumours that Bush decided to replace his Defence Secretary after a heavy night on the bottle; spin the bottle that is which he was playing with Dick Cheney.

    There were early reports that as the former Secretary was talking to the President shouts of 'calm down, stand back and take a breath' were heard said by Rumsfeld. However it simply turned out to be the President reacting to discovering a spider underneath a pile of dusty and unread Presidential Daily Briefings.

    The Defence Secretary's last act in office was having the spider flown to Eastern Europe for 'questioning' under the new Military Comissions Act'. Allegations that the spider was involved in terrorising Miss Muffet and her tuffet haven't been confirmed.

    Wednesday, November 08, 2006

    Election Pressure Is Too Much As Voting Machines Explode

    In a late breaking story tonight, voters in several districts have reported problems with electronic touch-screen voting machines.

    It was initially reported that the problems were simply teething, however the Truthiness Blog can exclusively reveal the problem is due to all the machines being unable to add up. Some of the advance version machines which have attempted to add the votes in the first districts to close polling stations have simply exploded, causing localised damaged and crucially, losing all voting details.

    A voter Micheal Anderson, who witnessed such an explosion said '' I was walking in the door when a small amount of smoke began leaking out the back of the machine in the corner of the room, then there was a bright flash and loud bang. When the smoke cleared the elderly lady who'd been using the machine was no-where to be seen. Someone screamed and pointed upwwards and there she was sitting on the ceiling fan, still clutching her ' I Voted ' button. If this is how dangerous voting is, I think I won't bother''.

    Mr Anderson then went home and switched on CNN to see the election results, but mainly to see if any voting machine explosions had been caught by a 'I-Report' reporter.

    Election officials have refused to say whether at the next election they will employ a more controversial technology which is being called ballet papers and ballet boxes. President Bush said he didn't touch this 'modern-hoo-doo stuff'.

  • See those voting machines explode here
  • Monday, November 06, 2006

    Pointless Poll Tells Us What We Already Knew

    With one day until the election, a pointless poll has been released which tells us US voters are most interested in Iraq, the economy and terrorism. Researchers had been shocked since last week's poll of the issues showed voters seemed seven days ago more interested in the price of milk, bread and what would happen on the opening season premiere of The O.C.

    So what changed since last week? Some theorists theorise that since Mischa Barton's character was killed off and the show seemed to have 'jumped the shark', plus bread-buying has fallen as Americans cut out carbs for crash diets so they are trim for Thanksgiving, that opinions have moved onto more worldy matters.

    Sources say the sudden shift to more moral issues has nothing to do with the hugely out of touch comments made by President Bush on 'The Google'.

    For further details consult this site from the 'interweb'.

  • The Google
  • Sunday, November 05, 2006

    Rumsfeld Calls For Himself To Go

    In an unexpected, but inevitable move Donald Rumsfeld has joined the growing band of voices calling for himself to resign his position.

    Following an answer by the Defence Secretary to a question about the Saddam Trial, Mr Rumsfeld added the comment that he 'believed the time has come for regime change in the Defence Secretary's Office'. Reporters were, as expected stunned, then asked for clarification of the comment, but no further answer was given by the Secretary who left the Pentagon press briefing immediately after.

    Rumours that the Democrats were behind this stunt have been denied by several Congressmen, though the GOP is adamant its all a 'liberal conspiracy' a source who goes by the name of Donald is reported to have said.

  • Click Here - The Military's In-House Magazine Asks The Defence Secretary To Leave
  • Friday, November 03, 2006

    Tom Cruise's Ego Becomes Dangerously Overloaded. STAND CLEAR!

    A small man who likes to make big statements. It must have been too much to expect Tom Cruise to keep quiet following all the controversy recently surrounding his religious, personnal and career orientated comments.

    You can just hear his PR people saying to him after he'd been jumping up and down on Oprah's sofa and buying cheap ultrasound equipment on Ebay to keep his head below the parapet for a few months.

    Of course he didn't listen. Today he decided to buy a film studio. Of course, the movies it will make will all feature him.

    So let that be a lesson to us all if we ever get to Hollywood. If you annoy your movie studio bosses, don't worry too much about getting employment.

    Just buy your own studio and make your own films.

    See, life really isn't THAT difficult now is it?

  • What you can do; if you have the money and a movie studio to buy
  • Thursday, November 02, 2006

    Bush & Blair Take English Lessons

    Bush's government likes to dismiss those who disagree with them by accusing them of being 'out of the mainstream'. Rather like 'stay the course', it became, for a while, a buzz-phrase.

    So, you'd think that through President Bush's use of the word anyone who isn't in the mainstream isn't a true 'average joe'.

    Until of course, today's comment made by unaverage-joe Tony Blair on creationism, seemed to have flipped that phrase on it's head.

    While answering worries about the controversial subject being taught in UK schools, the Prime Minister said it would only become a worry if it became 'the mainstream'.

    In the UK, being 'mainstream' means being lumped together in an average group of average people doing pretty much average things and thinking average thoughts. Most Brits are happy to be different, eccentric even and far outside being grouped as 'mainstream'.

    In the US, the use (or should that be mis-use?) of the word has moulded the meaning into forcing people to conform to the 'mainstream'. You have to be average, toe the line and hold the course for the Country's good. If you don't you are labelled as being 'out of it' and irrelevant to the course the country is taking.

    And taken it to the extreme, if you are out of the mainstream you are not a true patriot and a true American.

    If you use this to make people seem a threat then you are either stupid or dangerous, or worse; you are both.

    Thank goodness the US and UK don't speak the same language, otherwise we'd really be in trouble.

  • Click here for Blair's definition
  • Wednesday, November 01, 2006

    Tell Dick Cheney to get his gun! I've found him!

    Yeah folks, you heard it here first, Bin Laden's been found!

    Where? Maine, how embarassing for George Bush. Talk about finding him in your own back yard.
    Unconfirmed reports suggest Osama was in New England seeing the fall colours change while on vacation.

  • Maine Today - Osama Arrested
  • Five Years On And Have We Got Anywhere?

    Perhaps the reason any movement on building work at Ground Zero ebbs along at a glacial pace is because of what it symbolises? As the US broadcaster, Keith Olbermann says, 'it has become a backdrop for photo shoots'. The image of that vast empty space is useful to keep reminding people about 9/11 and bolster support for anything that's deemed important enough to do under the priviso of keeping us 'safe'.

    If there was a new shiny building being built on the site in Lower Manhatten, the imagery wouldn't be quite as effective. Maybe keeping the space vacant is quite a useful political ploy?

    Watch the Keith Olbermann MSNBC video from his show Countdown here:

  • Keith Olbermann- This Hole In The Ground
  • Cost of the War in Iraq
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